Lots on my mind lately!

First off I want to say my 30 day challange is going great this week & my muscles are surely feeling it.  Along with my regular gym 2 hour workout I've been adding in 30 mins on my treadmill walking with an incline 4mph (reason I havee shin splints).  I have watched what I ate majorly (kinda did a little bad today) and I can certainly feel it.  I feel great.  

So on to another subject that I need to get off my chest cuz it's running thru my mind like wild fire.  I desperately need a job & I'm not just saying this, we really need me to start brining money in.  We are literaly broke.  I have applied to numerous, numerous jobs with maybe 3 replies.  I do not understand what I'm doing wrong.  This in itself is very stressful.  Another is my life at home, it truly sucks.  Don't ever get me wrong I absolutely LOVE my trio & wouldn't change them for anything, this has nothing to do with them.  Yes, they are a handful and sometimes I stop & wonder how can I keep going, but I do & just for them.  

I may & do bottle up a lot of my emotions on how I truly feel about things.  Allot of people (especially my family) just don't understand how truly they hurt me with things they say (I feel the tears coming on but hold them back) then yes I get defensive to stop from crying & may say things that are not what I want to say, but they help me forget.  I am someone that holds on to things people say that are hurtful for awhile & constantly replay the scene over & over again.  I truly am a very emotional person, I have just built up a wall to try to protect myself.  Well once I get a chance & I'm alone yes I cry & cry.  One thing I wish I always had but never did was confidence in myself & to be able to speak & stand up for myself when I need to.  

Well I pray to God every day to guide me to show me the way, to point me in the right direction.  I have finally put my hands up & am leaving it all in Gods hands to help me.  I've done what I can.  

Until next time........