Fat me - needs fixing

I do not understand why I am having such a rough time with wanting to get up and go exercise.  I have put on ALLOT of weight the last few months and I have felt totally disgusted to the point that I truly don't want to go and see anyone or do anything much.  You'd think I eat allot worse for the amount of weight that I put on, but I'm not or I am.  I go between eating well at work and then being bad at home in the evening to being good or just bad all day.  I do not want to do anything but just kick back and relax.  In my head I want to get out there and run or go to the gym, but my body doesn't want to, it hurts from all this excessive weight.  I cannot recall when I lost a pound, I do not go anywhere near a scale unless I go to doctor appointments now.  I want to lose this weight, I want to be active again and comfortable with myself.  I want to be able to pick up dog poop and cut my back grass without getting out of breath.  I want to look good and be healthy for my family and myself.  I just want to feel good.

I'm going to try to get back into the gym in the evening if I can, its just hard because my husband is always out cutting grass and doesn't get home till very late.  Maybe I need to start getting up at 3:30 and heading to the gym (like that'll happen), but it's worth a shot to write it down.  I've gotta start doing something because I look 9 months pregnant, my boobs are FAT, I look horrible in all my clothes and I have resorted to wearing skirts all the time (just like over weight people do).  I need to change and I need to do it now.  I saw myself last Thursday in the window at my daughters Cheerleading practice and OMG I looking like an overweight whale, it was gross, disturbing and disgusting.  I need to put a foot down and say enough is enough and get to work on working off this weight, like TONIGHT!

I just had to vent because I'm getting sick of myself.  I don't even look at myself in the mirrors.  Shaved my legs and my female part last night and OMG, I could barely reach my ankles from they stomach and my boobs getting in the way, now that is absolutely horrible.  I don't even want to go to softball because I'm embarrassed at myself and how I look, I don't even know if I can play 1st base anymore (all the bending and stretching needed to catch the ball) for our first game I DH'd because I was to worried to see what I'd look like on the field.  I hit the ball great, but I cannot run.

Just a quick vent and update and that.  Gotta run, Until next time...............