Athlete in a fat girls body!!: Starting fresh (yet again)

Hi everyone & welcome back! I wanted to say thank you to everyone that takes the time to read my blog. I am trying to get more traffic, but I know I need to come up with creative ideas and for those that no me I do not have an ounce of creativity in me.

Before I get to my weight issues I want to up date on my family life. As you all know I am a MoM to 4 year old B/G twins and a 3 year old boy. They are the love of my life and they are what keeps me waking up everyday. They are what I live for. Of course like many other parents there are times that I get very fed up and lose my mind. I have become a screamer/yell whatever you want to call it. I HATE it and my once patience level is no longer there, which will make me snap at the drop of the hat. So, this all makes me very, very depressed. I wanna stop, but not sure why I have become this way in the first place. I want to stop yelling at my kids because what scares me is that they are going to hate me when they get older. Just yesterday I was yelling at Joey for something and he went in his room crying, well I was just putting laundry away in my room so I was very close & heard him say thru tears "I don't like my mom & dad, I just want to go stay with Grandma because she doesn't yell at me." Totally broke my heart and brought me to tears. I often think that if maybe just maybe I got a little more help from their father I wouldn't be so short fused these days and ready to go off 110% of the time. Maybe if I got a hand in baths, dressing, feeding, watching, playing and whatever else there is to do then maybe I'd be the person I use to be. Maybe it I didn't have to constantly clean up after their father 150% of the time it would be different. Maybe, if he would help me out with everything and spend quality time with the trio instead of treating it as the worst thing you have to do in your life, I would be more calm. Maybe, if he didn't lay in bed more then half the day while I'm downstairs busting ass to get everything done and trying to spend time with my kids (which I don't have b/c I have to get everything else finished before I can, I would be the best mom. I look at my kids and wish they had better parents or at least a better mom. So I have made a promise to myself yesterday that from here on our I am going to ""try"" my best to not yell at my kids and not fight with the hubby in front of them. I am going to supply a positive environment fro them and I will not let dirty stuff (OCD in me) get to me so much b/c that can always be cleaned up later. Anyways, I will provide my kids with the environment they deserve. I love them with all I have.

Here is a recent picture of my loves.

Ok, now about my starting fresh. I am feeling ungodly huge today and when I got on the scale it told me why...........................264 yes 264 fricken lbs. That is about 7 lbs up from 2 weeks ago. How does one seriously do that? I have eaten fairly well, just haven't worked out so here I sit 264 lbs. My clothes are so uncomfortably tight today so I've keep my sweater on at work all day because I don't want everyone to see the belly and think I might be pregnant. Seriously if I was another girl looking at myself from the outside and seen how bloated and disgustingly fat I've gotten I would swear that they were pregnant. I wish I could use that as an excuse. I have one bad factor against me and that is my period is due later this week so that is about 5 additional poundage that I gain every month but goes away when it comes. My boobs feel like the weigh about 15lbs each.. NO JOKE. They don't even fit in my bra's today. I just feel like a fat sloth out there. I have given up looking in mirrors because I look disgusting and all off sudden I'm getting blemishes out of no where and I feel ugly. So today I figured I HAVE TO seriously do something about this, it start NOW!

My first plan is to go to the gym after the trio goes to bed and start working out there again and if that falls thru or on the nights it can't happen I am going to walk/run on the treadmill at home (for instance tomorrow night my hubby has darts to I can't go to the gym so I'll do the treadmill at home). My biggest problem is making sure the kids are calm & In bed before I sneak out. Then it's something called motivation. So tonight I am going to get there about 8pm and do 45 mins to an hour cardio and then an hour of weight training. Weight training tonight will be legs, because I love working out my legs.