Time for a Change

So, I've been doing a lot of thinking lately and trying to come up with a diet plan that will work for me.  I'm trying to figure out a way to make life easier for me and by that I mean taking away getting meals ready daily.  I have decided that starting next week I am going to try and I mean try to get all 3 meals prepared on Sunday.  So then all that needs done is just a quick warm up and we are ready to go.  So Ive been searching Pinterest for recipe ideas on quick & easy but healthy ideas.  I have all my breakfast planned out for the week, just working on the other two meals.  The thing is for the kids lunches I need something that doesn't require heating and simple for them to eat on their own.  If it requires refrigeration I have ice packs for their lunch boxes to keep it cold, so that''s not a problem.  Then for dinners I'm trying to decide if I wanna do meal preps and freeze it or actually cook and refrigerate.  Another issue is if I make chicken ahead of time my hubby doesn't like the way it tastes reheated.  Personally I don't either and it smells funny, but I'll learn to live with it. 

Also, I haven't been to the gym all week, I've been extremely lazy (no other excuse).  My clothes are tighter and I KNOW I need to go, but I just can't seem to get out the door.  I'd rather come home from work and put my comfy PJ's on and relax with the kids.  I know I'll feel much better if I get up and go (I've been there before).  I need a workout partner, someone that can push me to go and someone that'll give me the motivation I need.  I think starting next week I'm going to try once again to a new me.  I cannot make promises that It'll happen but I can at least say that I'm going to try.  I am going to make myself healthier and therefore happier and start looking at the positive side of things.  I will TRY to not let peoples negativity affect me.  People's rude comments or statements will not bother me.  I have to start working on my family and making my kids happy, they are my top priority and then comes me. 

I will be doing a lot of web searching until I come up with exactly what works for me.  I can do this.

I will try to update and let you know how planning is going. 

Until next time...

Lots on my mind

So today isn't the best of all days, actually it was absolutely horrible.  I have basically been told twice that I am not a good mother.  I know I'm not perfect and I know I am not even a good parent, but I like to believe that I try.  I have broken down in tears today more then I would like to count.  I am emotionally drained.  I've had to correct and yell and punish my kids more then I would like to count today. 

Here is how it all started.  It was my day to sleep in and personally I hate sleeping in because when I get up everything is worse then if I just got up with the kids.  I came downstairs to the kids playing with paint and that is all fine if the paint area is set up correct so it doesn't get all over my NEW table cloth.  Then I get in a yelling match of why do I buy stuff if the kids can't use them.  That's not the whole point, and I'm not going to even get into that.  So I ended up throwing the paints in the garbage.  Another thing is when the other person get up with the kids he just lays on the couch and goes back to sleep so then the kids get into everything they shouldn't.  The house gets turned upside down.  The reason it bothers me is because I'm the one that has to clean it.  Then I talk to someone on the phone and basically because I told them I let the kids watch Godzilla last night and they weren't scared that my kids are getting or going to be desensitized and have NO FEAR when they get older & I said well that can be a good thing but then was told yeah sure they'll have no fear against authority or guns & will join gangs.  So I'm a horrible mom because of this and my kids are going to be horrible.  There are a lot of other horrible things that I could do.  Then later today I guess I am a bad parent because I don't recycle and so hence forth I don't care about my kids future.  Yes, I say screw recycling, but doesn't mean I don't do other things that will help make the earth or world a better place for my children and their children in the future.  Everyone has their own way and their own beliefs, not everyone wants to be tree hugger or such so they find their own way to help.  I may have read that the wrong way, but I read it the way I did because of my hole issue I had with this damn 1st time recycling.  I'm just so done, so finished. 

I put a very strong front on and I act stronger then I really am.  People say things that really hurt but I won't let them know until I'm on my own and cry.  I am not as strong as many think and things people say really do hurt me even if they don't think I have feelings, my way of acting strong is to laugh it off or just go with it. I don't know what else to do, I don't know what I'm suppose to do.  I'm waiving the white flag.  I sometimes wish someone can come and tell you how to parent like they do with everything else. 

So my house is another very touchy subject to me and it was brought to my attention a little bit ago (not like I didn't already know this, but I just don't want to think about it) how my house has deteriorated and because of my two dogs and kids.  Yes, I am and always have been the only one that cleaned and took care of the house.  Yes, my one dog has damaged to much, but if it was up to me I would have fixed the stuff right away, but I have no talent for this kind of stuff and I really suck that I depend on someone else, but it's just who I am.  I really am jealous and wish so many times that I married someone that was more of a handy man and not so damn lazy, but I didn't and there is nothing I can do.  I HATE the fact that nothing gets fixed around here in a timely manner as it should and so then things just start piling up and then it looks worse then what it should.  Yes, I slowly am buying stuff to try to make the house look nicer and more homey but I can't spend my money on all that because again I am the only one that spends my money on stuff the kids need.  So something has to slack somewhere and unfortunately it's the house (that's good parenting, right?).  My house bothers me so bad it really makes me so miserable.  I am a clean freak so having kids that like to take after their father in cleanliness doesn't help a person with OCD. 

I have to do a lot on my own and I try to be a decent parent and one day I'd like to say I'm a good parent.  I don't know what else to do.  I wish people would stop criticizing me and tell me what to do or what I can do to make things better.  People need to understand all I have on my shoulders and that 85% of the time I am a single parent.  I am doing my best and yes I hate how much I yell at my kids and I feel so absolutely horrible and I HATE who I've become, I hate it.  I want to be who I use to be, I want to show my kids I can be a good mom and I am a good person.  I'd like to think the stress of having to do everything mostly is the biggest problem.  Who knows. 

I wish people knew how sensitive I am and that I'm not as strong as I may look to you.  Please be nice to me, please guide me and help me.  Please give me advice or direct me on what to do.  I love my kids more then anything in the world and I want to give them whats best for them and my number one concern is for their happiness.  I will do whatever I have to for them, but I just don't know what that is.  I'm upset with myself because I haven't lost weight in almost 2 years and I am so disgusting OBESE.  I try and I try, but I keep falling off the wagon.  I am so depressed on the weight side of things. 

I just want people to know I am not perfect and not we do not have a perfect or even great life, the only thing perfect in our life are my three precious miracles.  Please, please be gentle and understand I'm struggling and I'm not perfect. 

That's it folks, I had a lot bothering me today and needed to get it out so I knew blogging would be best.  Ok, now to finish my laundry.. 

I DID IT!

Yes, I went to the gym around 7:45 last night after the kids where in bed.  It was a struggle at first because I was sitting on the couch with the kids waiting for their bedtime and I was getting extremely sleepy and I kept going over and over in my head about skipping tonight and kept trying to come up with a great excuse that supposedly would make me feel better about myself for skipping!  Well, I couldn't come up with any!  When I came home from work I changed directly into my workout clothes because I know if I didn't then I wouldn't have gone at all.  I put the kids to bed about 7:25 and then convinced myself that once I get there I will get all the motivation I need and low and behold it's true.  I walked into the gym and at first was afraid that maybe my badge would work since it's been awhile and once it did I perked up and got my workout in and it felt great. 

I did my legs yesterday and I started off with the machines first and then after about two weeks I'll move back to the free weights and such.  Then I did 40 mins on the elliptical and that was rough but felt awesome.  While I was doing my leg lifts I started to get worried that my knee pain is going to come back.  The pain has went away (except for some occasional) and I cannot sit with my right leg tucked under me without pain so I cannot bend it completely.  Oh, something my son said the other day when I was doing one of the T25 focus video's that made me realize how much your little ones really do pay attention and watch everything you do, anyways, Joey said "Mom, you can get up and down with out making noise or going slow, your knees are better now." Love that kids to death! 

Today for breakfast I made a banana, granola & chocolate shakeology and then for lunch I steamed a container of mixed veggies and then had a small container of veggie soup.  I was stuffed and I am paying for the soup because I am so thirsty and I can feel the water retention from my wedding rings (all the salt in the soup).  Tonight I'm going to make Spaghetti squash with butter & garlic and mixed veggies.  I will not be able to go to the gym tonight because my hubby has darts tonight (oddly enough the bar is two doors down from my gym, lol), so I will be watching a movie on Netflix off of my IPad and walking for no less then 45 mins.  I'm going to attempt this after dinner when the kids are still up so this will be interesting.  I then have to give them baths at which I'm going to clean the upstairs bathroom while they are playing in the bubbles.  I hope this all works out as planned.  I want to get some from of exercise in & I want to start straightening up my house so it looks nice again and start repairs that have been neglected even if I have to do it myself in order to get it done. 

Well I gotta run, so until next time....................

Just saying.....



Starting fresh (yet again)

Hi everyone & welcome back!  I wanted to say thank you to everyone that takes the time to read my blog.  I am trying to get more traffic, but I know I need to come up with creative ideas and for those that no me I do not have an ounce of creativity in me. 

Before I get to my weight issues I want to up date on my family life.  As you all know I am a MoM to 4 year old B/G twins and a 3 year old boy.  They are the love of my life and they are what keeps me waking up everyday.  They are what I live for.  Of course like many other parents there are times that I get very fed up and lose my mind.  I have become a screamer/yell whatever you want to call it.  I HATE it and my once patience level is no longer there, which will make me snap at the drop of the hat.  So, this all makes me very, very depressed.  I wanna stop, but not sure why I have become this way in the first place.  I want to stop yelling at my kids because what scares me is that they are going to hate me when they get older.  Just yesterday I was yelling at Joey for something and he went in his room crying, well I was just putting laundry away in my room so I was very close & heard him say thru tears "I don't like my mom & dad, I just want to go stay with Grandma because she doesn't yell at me." Totally broke my heart and brought me to tears.  I often think that if maybe just maybe I got a little more help from their father I wouldn't be so short fused these days and ready to go off 110% of the time.  Maybe if I got a hand in baths, dressing, feeding, watching, playing and whatever else there is to do then maybe I'd be the person I use to be.  Maybe it I didn't have to constantly clean up after their father 150% of the time it would be different.  Maybe, if he would help me out with everything and spend quality time with the trio instead of treating it as the worst thing you have to do in your life, I would be more calm.  Maybe, if he didn't lay in bed more then half the day while I'm downstairs busting ass to get everything done and trying to spend time with my kids (which I don't have b/c I have to get everything else finished before I can, I would be the best mom.  I look at my kids and wish they had better parents or at least a better mom.  So I have made a promise to myself yesterday that from here on our I am going to ""try"" my best to not yell at my kids and not fight with the hubby in front of them.  I am going to supply a positive environment fro them and I will not let dirty stuff (OCD in me) get to me so much b/c that can always be cleaned up later.   Anyways, I will provide my kids with the environment they deserve.  I love them with all I have. 

Here is a recent picture of my loves. 

Ok, now about my starting fresh.  I am feeling ungodly huge today and when I got on the scale it told me why...........................264 yes 264 fricken lbs.  That is about 7 lbs up from 2 weeks ago.  How does one seriously do that?  I have eaten fairly well, just haven't worked out so here I sit 264 lbs.  My clothes are so uncomfortably tight today so I've keep my sweater on at work all day because I don't want everyone to see the belly and think I might be pregnant.  Seriously if I was another girl looking at myself from the outside and seen how bloated and disgustingly fat I've gotten I would swear that they were pregnant.  I wish I could use that as an excuse.  I have one bad factor against me and that is my period is due later this week so that is about 5 additional poundage that I gain every month but goes away when it comes.  My boobs feel like the weigh about 15lbs each.. NO JOKE.  They don't even fit in my bra's today.  I just feel like a fat sloth out there.  I have given up looking in mirrors because I look disgusting and all off sudden I'm getting blemishes out of no where and I feel ugly.  So today I figured I HAVE TO seriously do something about this, it start NOW!

My first plan is to go to the gym after the trio goes to bed and start working out there again and if that falls thru or on the nights it can't happen I am going to walk/run on the treadmill at home (for instance tomorrow night my hubby has darts to I can't go to the gym so I'll do the treadmill at home).  My biggest problem is making sure the kids are calm & In bed before I sneak out.  Then it's something called motivation.  So tonight I am going to get there about 8pm and do 45 mins to an hour cardio and then an hour of weight training.  Weight training tonight will be legs, because I love working out my legs. 

 

 

 

I really hope I have better news and that I can up date with how I am following thru with my promises.....

 

Until next time...............

Failed Part II

Well again I started doing Focus T25 and did awesome the first 4 days and then BAM I hit the damn wall.  I got tied up on things to do Friday evening and never get to do the double day work outs and I haven't tried the stretch video that is suppose to be done on Sundays.  UGH, I don't understand why my motivation will not last.  I get so pumped in the beginning and shoot I don't even get thru a week before I get put behind from life.  That also is no great excuse because the workouts are only 25 mins a day.  I've even tired getting up early in the AM to do it but I cannot resit the urge to hit that snooze button. 

I've got to figure out something because of right now I'm doomed to be fat & out of shape for the rest of my life & for someone that is a former athlete that is hard.  I have to figure out what works for me and obviously these videos or eating certain stuff just isn't my cup of tea.  I come to realize that going to the gym has always worked for me and it actually is something that I really enjoy to do.  I think it has to do with the fact that it makes me feel like I have to go & if I don't I'm letting someone down (even though it's just me I'd be letting down) but the gym has always given me that accountability.  The only problem now is with the gym I have to find time and I cannot have the kids with me, so with me working FT and the kids in school FT I would never see them if I went to the gym after work.   My only other option is to go after they go to bed & yes I will be later, but that might just work.  I've tried the before work but they don't open till 5am and my hubby leaves for work at 6:20-6:30 so I would only have about an hour to work out and I need at least 2 hours.  Who know maybe I'll start doing the after bed time gym time.  I stopped before because my hubby always made me feel so guilty about leaving and the kids weren't asleep yet, but I really think this my work.

Ugh, I've noticed I have gotten really lazy in my old age.  I am only 39 but my body hurts and I have absolutely no energy.  Gee, what I would do to get back what I had even 6-8 years ago.  Kids & age truly zap the energy out of you.  They weren't kidding there. 

Oh and another thing I was thinking of starting up was walking for an hour on the treadmill when watching my shows at night.  I figured its not like my running but it's a start and something.  I will have to get back and let you know what this lazy butt has decided to do. 

I am truly getting sick of looking at myself in the mirror.  I went out Friday night "Date Night" with the hubby with no kids for our 9th Anniversary and I was feeling a bit confident on some stuff I was going to wear out, but when I got home and put on my jeans (that usually are loose & I'm always pulling up) they felt tight in the butt/waist/thighs and then I put on a couple shirts and I felt like a fat ass slob!!  I felt disgusting (kinda like I'm feeling today).  My work clothes aren't fitting to comfy today so this morning I had Greek yogurt with granola and then a banana for mid morning snack & for lunch a chocolate Shakeology (with banana & almonds) and I had a small/medium size bowl of beef veggie & rice soup and I have been so bloated and feeling over stuffed since.  Then I craved and bought this candy corn cookie they had and OMG, so good, but officially put me over the edge to the point I cannot drink my water cuz there is no room.  Why do I torture my body, why oh why?!?!?!??! 

Well I gotta get going.  Until next time......

Starting Over

I had to restart my Focus T25 because just a lot of stuff came up at the end of week one the first time around.  Some stuff was my last day at the job and then that following Monday I started my new job and just trying to get myself acquainted to the new routine and getting the kids onto a new one it took a lot out of me.  There are of course a bunch of other stuff going on right now and I'm under a lot of stress so I have to say that Life got in the way last week and I quit. 

I am happy to report though that yesterday I started T25 again and I completed Day 1 alpha Cardio and although it was an a*s kicker it was not as hard as the first time around.  I also pushed myself a little bit harder.  I woke up yesterday and got my fat butt on the scale (first time in over a week) and I was weighing in at a whopping 260.6 lbs.. Yes, I gained almost 7 lbs in over a week and a half.  I knew some it was because my period was due (which came yesterday) and some due to all the beer drunk over the weekend.  So I weighed myself this morning and was at 257.3, still not happy with it, but better then yesterday (a little).  I am determined to get myself under the 250 mark by Halloween, heck if more I'd be ecstatic..  So I have 31 1/2 days to reach my goal and I WILL if I faithfully follow T25 for the next 10 weeks. 

I have no "big" plans over the next few weeks, this past weekend was Jake's 3rd birthday so we celebrated Friday night & then we had our 1st annual block party on Saturday (so lots of drinking) anyways I will not be drinking any alcohol over the next several weeks (I know that there will be drinking on Halloween).  If I do well I may allow myself a glass of wine or two on the pumpkin carving parties that we have coming up next month.  I am going to stick to my healthy eating.  Come on its only 10 weeks and only 25 mins 5 x a week of my commitment and my faithful, enthusiasm.  I CAN and I WILL do this. 

So 10 weeks from yesterday is 12/1/14 which will be my final week of the T25 and I will be down 10lbs or more and several inches off the waist.  I will be going into the Holidays feeling great about myself and will be trying to reduce a lot of stress that is being put on me lately over the next several months.  I don't know how or what I'm going to do but I will try my hardest to accomplish my goals. 

That is about all folks.  The kids are doing great and wonderful at school.  Within that past couple weeks they have learned a lot & I'm impressed with their new school.  Joey does occasionally tell me that he misses his old school and wants to go back.  But within three days of starting school he learned the National Anthem.  Jake & Addi are also learning colors & counting.  Yes, Addisyn is not as advanced as Joey, but she's going strong.  I'm loving the new job and so glad that I have been giving this opportunity with them.  I am very grateful. 

Until next time...............

T25 Starts

Ok, I'm sorry it's been a while since I've posted, but in all honesty there hasn't been that much to post about.  I will give you a sum up of what's been going on. 

I have been slacking on my workouts, but eating has still been mostly healthy (I'm proud to say).  I have started the T25 workout program from Beachbody yesterday.  The program is healthy eating and 25 minutes 5x a week workouts.  There is absolutely NO slacking in the workouts.  I did my first one last night while dinner was cooking and it was a non-stop 25 mins straight of cardio, heart pumping cardio.  I honestly have to say it was hard, but I felt great afterwards and I cannot wait for Day 2 tonight.  I got on the scale yesterday morning for the first time in weeks and was kinda disappointed in what it said (258.1), but I know a lot of it had to do with water weight.  I got on the scale again this morning just for shits N giggles and it said 253.1 so 5 lbs down from yesterday I would definitely say YES it was water retention. 

Other things that have happened since my last post.  I have received another job offer and I start 9/22/14 and I am very excited.  This is going to be a great opportunity for myself and I can advance myself in other things (not to mention the pay was way better then now, $7,000 raise).  The new company has so much more to offer me for the future and I hope I do well and this will become a place I can retire from (Oh my, I don't want to think that I'm getting old).  So this week I am saying farewell to my current employer. 

The trio are loving school (Pre-K & preschool).  They are learning so much already.  I'm so proud of them.  Addisyn has started tap/ballet this past Saturday and she did really good for her first day.  The boys have been asking what they are going to do (since Addi had dance class) so we are looking to see if there are any soccer leagues still open.  

Well folks that's about all right now!  I will update more (I will be really busy starting next week with the new job) but I will try to get on at night time and update on how my T25 is going for the next 10 weeks. 

Until next time.......