End 2014

Seriously, 2014 can end any time now, and bring on a happy & healthy 2015.  It has been nothing but illness in my house since September and then add to that mess my father passing away end of November.  I'm done, so far done with 2014.  Currently my DH has the flu and we all know when men get the flu they carry it out to be worse then what it probably is, but there is no point on arguing that with him.  With Christmas next week I'm praying that the kids nor I get this.  With the luck I've been having I probably will get it just in time for Christmas, that'll probably be my present. 

I have been having strange issues with my 4.5 year old Joey the past couple weeks, especially right after he got sick.  He is always complaining about not feeling well and he doesn't really want to do anything anymore.  He is always complaining about just wanting to go home and lay down.  I mean seriously what 4 year old doesn't want to go see Santa??? Yep, Mine!  Last Sunday they had Lunch with Santa and we fought and he cried that he didn't want to go, that he just wanted to stay home and lay down and rest.  Seriously makes you think..... is there some really wrong with him or is has something been bothering him or is it all in his head.  Who doesn't want to see Santa?  He no longer wants to go to school, everyday this week has been a struggle and I literally had to pull him out of the house without his jacket on Monday (put his jacket on in the car) and force him in the car.  Then when we got to school he cried and wouldn't let me leave (the teacher finally got that under control).  Every morning we fight about going to school & personally I don't need to add that to my list of stuff to get done before heading out the door.  It has been horrible.  He was never like this and he loved going to school every day up until a couple weeks ago.  I ask him whats wrong and if something is bothering him at school and he says nothing (always refers back to not feeling well).  He did mention the other day that he does not like nap time.  This coming from a kid that stopped naps when he was 2.5.  He says he hates laying there resting.  I mentioned this to his teacher and they have offered for him to bring some books to his mat, but not working well.   If and when he eats breakfast it's barely nothing and the teacher says he's not eating much at lunch time.  I seriously don't know what to do, I don't know what's wrong, don't know if he's really sick or just saying it, I don't know if something is truly bugging him at school.  He won't tell me anything & we've taking him to the doctor & they said he's fine.  UGH.... HELP I need someone to tell me what I should do, because I want to be able to help him and make whatever is hurting him go away.  I want my Joe Joe back that one that loved doing things & smiled.  Oh and he has also turned into a very bad disobedient kid.  The way he talks to me now is so hurtful.  He's never done this. 

OK, enough of that.  As for weight loss, that is not in my vocabulary currently, but weight gain most definitely is.  I keep telling myself for the last 2 weeks I was going to start back to the gym (I wanted to before the New Year so I'm not considered one of those folks that drive me crazy with the resolutions and New Year), but I've been so lazy and so tired from fighting with my kids that by the time they go to bed, I go to bed myself.  Last scale weight I was 267.7 which is 10 lbs more then last month.  I haven't gotten on the scale since that weigh in, because my clothes are already telling me that I've gained.  I don't know what the hell is going on and I'm so over it... I'm done... I just want to starve myself and become a gym rat.  I sick of being fat & I'm sick of my total lack of motivation.  I'm just sick of it all.  I missed a 40th birthday party last weekend because I felt to FAT to go out.  I have no clothing that flatters my fat ass.  I just feel nasty, disgusting & only feel comfortable in sweats.  I don't even need a belt for my fat jeans anymore.  They use to fall completely off, but now they are snug.  I'm finished completely finished.. I need help, serious help....

How fast life changes!

Well the last time I wrote in this my life changed all within those 24 hours. 

Thursday, November 20th, was a decent day, I was sick and went to see the clinic nurse here at work, which all turned out fine.  I ate with the AR department at our company thanksgiving luncheon.  Then my afternoon carried on as normal.  I got a call from my DH with Joey crying in the back ground for me because he was sick & had a fever and he just wanted his mom.  Well if that wasn't heart breaking enough.  Then I got a call right as I was about to leave saying to hurry home because Joey just puked and he's complaining his mouth, throat and body hurts and he's having a hard time breathing (but wouldn't do his inhaler). At 5:10 I got in my car to make the long trike home and it was cold and trying to snow.  I was on Rt. 303 about 5:20-5:30 and decided to give my parents a call to see if they could watch Joey tomorrow because I was keeping him home from school.  I told her that Chris was taking him to Urgicare as soon as I get home because we cannot figure out what is going on and he just finished antibiotics for a lung infection 3 days before.  So I talked to her for a few more minutes and got on the highway.  It was starting to snow and traffic was slowing down, but I finally made it home about 5:45pm (Not sure on times).  I got inside and ate dinner quickly and then went upstairs to change and in the mean time DH was leaving to take Joey to Urgicare.  That's when my life changed and everything came to a screaming HAULT!!! I got the phone call that no one wants the one that everyone dreads to ever get...  Not even 2 Min's after they left my phone rang & it was my mom.  I answered not thinking anything of it and she was crying.  This is how it went... "Your dad was just rushed to the hospital & he was unresponsive."  Then she had to go cuz my brother was calling in. WTF was that, what just happened, what do you mean?? I finally got a hold of her again & found out what happened.  He was feeding the dog and felt weak so he pulled out the stool and sat down, but he fell off & hit his head on the sliding doors.  My mom said he has fainted in the past, but she was always able to wake him up.  This time she said "Dan, wake up... if you don't wake up now I'm calling 911! well she called 911 and had to perform CPR on him because he wasn't breathing, until EMS got there."  They whisked him away and that's all I knew.  I called DH balling my eyes out that he had to get home because my dad was rushed to the hospital unresponsive & I needed to get there."  He just got to urgicare and was waiting.  In the mean time called neighbors and that trying to find someone to watch the kids.  Chris came home and I was off to Southwest.  I tried calling people & my sisters to tell them.  I was crying & the snow was coming down bad by then.  The rest of the drive was a huge blur. 

I got the ER and parked and walked in and when I told the nurses who I was there to see I could tell immediately that it wasn't good by the look on their face.  They got quiet and had me follow them.  I then got to the back and was told to go in the God for sakin "Family" room.  I knew it, I knew it after that.  I was the first one there (my brother was still on his way).  My mom was crying & shaking her head & my cousin was there supporting my mom (she is a nurse in that ER) and my Sister-in-Law's father was there supporting my mom (he gave her a ride).  At that moment I have to say time stopped, life stopped (shouldn't be typing this at work, cuz it's getting me worked up).  Nothing in the world was making sense.  This couldn't be, not my dad, no I just spoke to him.  He died from a sudden heart attack on that horrible Thursday 11/20/14 night at 6:36pm.  I just missed him, I didn't have time to say goodbye or let him know I love him.

Every day after that is still a blur.  I feel like I'm a walking zombie and I honestly cannot remember what I did from one minute to another.  It's like my body is doing all my activities but I'm not there.  I cannot even remember dropping the kids off at school or talking to them.  I guess it's what they call the state of shock, but I don't know I don't like this feeling at all.  I still don't think it's officially hit me that my dad is gone, or maybe it has & this is how I handle it.  How could this be? Shouldn't I be balling my eyes out more and just whatever???? I wish I can do anything in the world, to bring my father back, it wasn't his time.  He still has so much to live for and see and do.  He needs to see his grandchildren grow up. He needs to be there for my mom and us kids... I NEED MY DAD!!!  He deserves to live more them me..

Every day I wait for a funny text to come from him, or his wise ass comments on FB, but non, its been silent for so long.  I will no longer have anyone call me "Pig" and me call him "Hog" (inside joke).  I still have the last text he sent me and I him and many more that I will never delete as long as I can.  Things are so different since then.  Thanksgiving was a blank holiday and it was irritating sitting there with family and not feeling it.  I just wanted to scream.  I'm not looking forward to Christmas at all.  My mom is a strong woman and bless her, but she seems to be ignoring me lately.  She doesn't text me or anything and it seems my kids do nothing but irritate her these days.  I'm afraid to ask her to watch them or anything.  I know she is grieving and I respect that and this might be her way of handling it.  Heck, I haven't felt like seeing anyone lately or doing anything.  I want everything back to how it was, this just isn't right.  I want my mom back & I want my dad too.... 

On another not so exciting note.  I weighed my fat self and I'm up 10 lbs since whenever my last weigh in was on here... Oh great most people lose weight in a traumatic experience, but leave it to my stupid body to be the one that gains it.  WHATEVER... I don't care anymore.  I'm sick of it all of everything. 

Tis the Season

Well lets just say that since the beginning of September I have been sick with a cold.  It will just slowly start getting better and then BAM another one sneaks up.  My kids have also been sick since the second week of school well with coughs and colds.  Joey just got off of antibiotics for a lung infection and finally after a couple months I don't hear him coughing anymore.  He is still using his inhaler not as much.  Well now Jake & Addisyn have horrible coughs that are keeping them up at night.  Anyways, I hate this time of the year when everyone gets sick.  Alright enough complaining about that. 

I still haven't figured anything out about my weight loss and honestly I don't know what I'm waiting for, maybe a Magic Pill or something that works to be presented to me.  Who knows, but what I do know is that I have been extremely lazy in the getting my butt off the couch and working out.  I have briskly walked for an hour on the treadmill a couple (and I mean a couple) nights last week & the week before.  I wanna get the motivation to get myself to the gym.  I know the #1 person that can do this is myself, but the help of someone Else usually is good too.  I wish I had a workout partner someone I am meeting at the gym every night, because then I know I will get my lazy butt out the door all the time, because I wouldn't be able to let that person down.  It's just the point of finding someone that is motivated themselves and is hard working so they too don't slack.  That is how many years ago I lost a lot of weight.  I was dating a guy that went to the gym & ran every day so in order to be with him that is what I did and "Poof" I became a gym rat and looked awesome... Even after we broke up I already created a good habit and continued going.  Then I dated another guy that worked out everyday too and so it kept me going.  I also played Co-ed Softball every night.  I was in GREAT shape and I felt great.  My whole point is I need to find someone that can motivate me and understands my schedule with my kids & husband and that sometimes it just won't work, but will encourage me to still eat good and get on the treadmill at home or whatever.  Someone that I can motivate too and coach along.  That is what I need and am looking for.  Oh and free I don't want to pay someone to do this so even if it is a friend that wants to get in shape too then GREAT! 

In another topic. .. I need to keep myself off of facebook for a while because of personal reason.  I need to get away from the negativity and focus on myself because that is bringing me into the wrong direction, a direction I don't wanna go.  If people wanna be nosey then they can pick up the phone and call me from now on.  I'm just sick of some things with FB and peoples posts.  I am going to concentrate on me (so YES I'm going to be selfish) and also on my kids and marriage. 

Until next time.........................  Peace.

Growing by the day!

I have a confession.. I am gaining weight!!!  I have not gotten on the scale in 3-4 weeks and all because I just don't want to see the number.  I know I''ve put on about 5 or so lbs because I can feel it in my clothes.  They are fitting pretty tight lately and if I don't get my act in gear then I will have nothing to wear to work.  UGH, I seriously just shake my head because there is nothing to blame except for myself.  I don't understand how in just one weekend I put on literally 5 lbs ALL THE TIME.  I do so good during the week but I haven't lost a thing.  Again since I first started this blog I haven't lost much like I did when first starting.  Its been probably two in a half years since I've been stuck before 250-260 lbs.  I cannot, let me repeat cannot get under 250 for the life of me.  It is beyond frustrating.  Yes, I Know I need to get the motivation to get to the gym and stay going to the gym.  Honestly though I have faithfully (last Fall/Winter/Spring) went to the gym 5 days a week with kids in tow and STILL could not get myself to budge on the weight loss.  Changed eating habits numerous times and still nothing.  Now with starting back up to working full time I haven't been able to get myself to the gym or shall I say no motivation to go.  My work even has a free gym (now if I want to ever spend time with the kids I cannot go after work) I only get a 1/2 hour lunch (so I can leave at a decent time) I do not get into work until 8:30 because I can't drop the kids off at school until 8am.  So the only way going to the gym would be possible is to go after the kids are in bed about 8pm. 

Oh another disappointing/devastating thing is I decided this weekend to go Thrift shopping (I've seen so many people get the cutest clothing from thrift stores) so I went and they DO NOT have much for FAT people.  I thought to myself sure the friends that are thrifting are small & skinny and have a better option of clothing and more styles.  I have the choice between mom jeans and mom jeans.  The type that come up past your belly button with elastic on the side & back & some have no buttons nor zippers... Yeah, those type of jeans.  So as I sit at my desk with my muffin top bulging out of the top of my work pants and my shirt shorter then I want so you can see my volcano of fat flowing (not really, but that's the picture I get).  I hate pictures, I hate looking at myself in mirrors I just flat out am ashamed of myself.  Something has to give, I have to find something that works for me again and have to do it soon.  I'm embarrassed of myself and all that are with me. 

So I am going to start tracking on MyfitnessPal again (since it worked before) and really, really start watching my food/beverage (as in beer) intake. I am going to try to get the gym when I can & if I can't (like tonight) I will do my treadmill for no less then an hour.  I'm sick of myself and how I feel.  Sooo disgusting.  I have tried/said I was going to do so much stuff in the past 5-6 months and I have failed.  Something has to give and I have to wake up here SOON. 

As per my last post, NO I did not get my weeks of meals prepared yesterday nor did we shop for what I needed.  My hubby woke me up and wanted to go to breakfast & then shopping right after, at first I said no because I didn't have the list ready & I wasn't going to go, but he kept insisting so I went and he said we'll do the meal planning/shopping next time and just normal shop now.  That's my problem is it get put off and then never gets done.  Wish my hubby was more of a motivationalist then not.  So we went shopping and I put the groceries away and then went to my parents to do their leaves for them and that was a HUGE chore.  My body is sore today.  Tonight I have laundry to do since we were gone all day yesterday so hence the reason I'm not going to the gym tonight, but I am going to walk/run on the treadmill tonight after the kids are in bed. 

Well this fat sloth is signing off.  Hopefully one day I can look back at my struggles and laugh them in the face because I conquered my obstacles. 

Thank you all!!!

Time for a Change

So, I've been doing a lot of thinking lately and trying to come up with a diet plan that will work for me.  I'm trying to figure out a way to make life easier for me and by that I mean taking away getting meals ready daily.  I have decided that starting next week I am going to try and I mean try to get all 3 meals prepared on Sunday.  So then all that needs done is just a quick warm up and we are ready to go.  So Ive been searching Pinterest for recipe ideas on quick & easy but healthy ideas.  I have all my breakfast planned out for the week, just working on the other two meals.  The thing is for the kids lunches I need something that doesn't require heating and simple for them to eat on their own.  If it requires refrigeration I have ice packs for their lunch boxes to keep it cold, so that''s not a problem.  Then for dinners I'm trying to decide if I wanna do meal preps and freeze it or actually cook and refrigerate.  Another issue is if I make chicken ahead of time my hubby doesn't like the way it tastes reheated.  Personally I don't either and it smells funny, but I'll learn to live with it. 

Also, I haven't been to the gym all week, I've been extremely lazy (no other excuse).  My clothes are tighter and I KNOW I need to go, but I just can't seem to get out the door.  I'd rather come home from work and put my comfy PJ's on and relax with the kids.  I know I'll feel much better if I get up and go (I've been there before).  I need a workout partner, someone that can push me to go and someone that'll give me the motivation I need.  I think starting next week I'm going to try once again to a new me.  I cannot make promises that It'll happen but I can at least say that I'm going to try.  I am going to make myself healthier and therefore happier and start looking at the positive side of things.  I will TRY to not let peoples negativity affect me.  People's rude comments or statements will not bother me.  I have to start working on my family and making my kids happy, they are my top priority and then comes me. 

I will be doing a lot of web searching until I come up with exactly what works for me.  I can do this.

I will try to update and let you know how planning is going. 

Until next time...

Lots on my mind

So today isn't the best of all days, actually it was absolutely horrible.  I have basically been told twice that I am not a good mother.  I know I'm not perfect and I know I am not even a good parent, but I like to believe that I try.  I have broken down in tears today more then I would like to count.  I am emotionally drained.  I've had to correct and yell and punish my kids more then I would like to count today. 

Here is how it all started.  It was my day to sleep in and personally I hate sleeping in because when I get up everything is worse then if I just got up with the kids.  I came downstairs to the kids playing with paint and that is all fine if the paint area is set up correct so it doesn't get all over my NEW table cloth.  Then I get in a yelling match of why do I buy stuff if the kids can't use them.  That's not the whole point, and I'm not going to even get into that.  So I ended up throwing the paints in the garbage.  Another thing is when the other person get up with the kids he just lays on the couch and goes back to sleep so then the kids get into everything they shouldn't.  The house gets turned upside down.  The reason it bothers me is because I'm the one that has to clean it.  Then I talk to someone on the phone and basically because I told them I let the kids watch Godzilla last night and they weren't scared that my kids are getting or going to be desensitized and have NO FEAR when they get older & I said well that can be a good thing but then was told yeah sure they'll have no fear against authority or guns & will join gangs.  So I'm a horrible mom because of this and my kids are going to be horrible.  There are a lot of other horrible things that I could do.  Then later today I guess I am a bad parent because I don't recycle and so hence forth I don't care about my kids future.  Yes, I say screw recycling, but doesn't mean I don't do other things that will help make the earth or world a better place for my children and their children in the future.  Everyone has their own way and their own beliefs, not everyone wants to be tree hugger or such so they find their own way to help.  I may have read that the wrong way, but I read it the way I did because of my hole issue I had with this damn 1st time recycling.  I'm just so done, so finished. 

I put a very strong front on and I act stronger then I really am.  People say things that really hurt but I won't let them know until I'm on my own and cry.  I am not as strong as many think and things people say really do hurt me even if they don't think I have feelings, my way of acting strong is to laugh it off or just go with it. I don't know what else to do, I don't know what I'm suppose to do.  I'm waiving the white flag.  I sometimes wish someone can come and tell you how to parent like they do with everything else. 

So my house is another very touchy subject to me and it was brought to my attention a little bit ago (not like I didn't already know this, but I just don't want to think about it) how my house has deteriorated and because of my two dogs and kids.  Yes, I am and always have been the only one that cleaned and took care of the house.  Yes, my one dog has damaged to much, but if it was up to me I would have fixed the stuff right away, but I have no talent for this kind of stuff and I really suck that I depend on someone else, but it's just who I am.  I really am jealous and wish so many times that I married someone that was more of a handy man and not so damn lazy, but I didn't and there is nothing I can do.  I HATE the fact that nothing gets fixed around here in a timely manner as it should and so then things just start piling up and then it looks worse then what it should.  Yes, I slowly am buying stuff to try to make the house look nicer and more homey but I can't spend my money on all that because again I am the only one that spends my money on stuff the kids need.  So something has to slack somewhere and unfortunately it's the house (that's good parenting, right?).  My house bothers me so bad it really makes me so miserable.  I am a clean freak so having kids that like to take after their father in cleanliness doesn't help a person with OCD. 

I have to do a lot on my own and I try to be a decent parent and one day I'd like to say I'm a good parent.  I don't know what else to do.  I wish people would stop criticizing me and tell me what to do or what I can do to make things better.  People need to understand all I have on my shoulders and that 85% of the time I am a single parent.  I am doing my best and yes I hate how much I yell at my kids and I feel so absolutely horrible and I HATE who I've become, I hate it.  I want to be who I use to be, I want to show my kids I can be a good mom and I am a good person.  I'd like to think the stress of having to do everything mostly is the biggest problem.  Who knows. 

I wish people knew how sensitive I am and that I'm not as strong as I may look to you.  Please be nice to me, please guide me and help me.  Please give me advice or direct me on what to do.  I love my kids more then anything in the world and I want to give them whats best for them and my number one concern is for their happiness.  I will do whatever I have to for them, but I just don't know what that is.  I'm upset with myself because I haven't lost weight in almost 2 years and I am so disgusting OBESE.  I try and I try, but I keep falling off the wagon.  I am so depressed on the weight side of things. 

I just want people to know I am not perfect and not we do not have a perfect or even great life, the only thing perfect in our life are my three precious miracles.  Please, please be gentle and understand I'm struggling and I'm not perfect. 

That's it folks, I had a lot bothering me today and needed to get it out so I knew blogging would be best.  Ok, now to finish my laundry.. 

I DID IT!

Yes, I went to the gym around 7:45 last night after the kids where in bed.  It was a struggle at first because I was sitting on the couch with the kids waiting for their bedtime and I was getting extremely sleepy and I kept going over and over in my head about skipping tonight and kept trying to come up with a great excuse that supposedly would make me feel better about myself for skipping!  Well, I couldn't come up with any!  When I came home from work I changed directly into my workout clothes because I know if I didn't then I wouldn't have gone at all.  I put the kids to bed about 7:25 and then convinced myself that once I get there I will get all the motivation I need and low and behold it's true.  I walked into the gym and at first was afraid that maybe my badge would work since it's been awhile and once it did I perked up and got my workout in and it felt great. 

I did my legs yesterday and I started off with the machines first and then after about two weeks I'll move back to the free weights and such.  Then I did 40 mins on the elliptical and that was rough but felt awesome.  While I was doing my leg lifts I started to get worried that my knee pain is going to come back.  The pain has went away (except for some occasional) and I cannot sit with my right leg tucked under me without pain so I cannot bend it completely.  Oh, something my son said the other day when I was doing one of the T25 focus video's that made me realize how much your little ones really do pay attention and watch everything you do, anyways, Joey said "Mom, you can get up and down with out making noise or going slow, your knees are better now." Love that kids to death! 

Today for breakfast I made a banana, granola & chocolate shakeology and then for lunch I steamed a container of mixed veggies and then had a small container of veggie soup.  I was stuffed and I am paying for the soup because I am so thirsty and I can feel the water retention from my wedding rings (all the salt in the soup).  Tonight I'm going to make Spaghetti squash with butter & garlic and mixed veggies.  I will not be able to go to the gym tonight because my hubby has darts tonight (oddly enough the bar is two doors down from my gym, lol), so I will be watching a movie on Netflix off of my IPad and walking for no less then 45 mins.  I'm going to attempt this after dinner when the kids are still up so this will be interesting.  I then have to give them baths at which I'm going to clean the upstairs bathroom while they are playing in the bubbles.  I hope this all works out as planned.  I want to get some from of exercise in & I want to start straightening up my house so it looks nice again and start repairs that have been neglected even if I have to do it myself in order to get it done. 

Well I gotta run, so until next time....................

Just saying.....