So I'm suppose to be on week 3 day 3 of the 21 day fix and I did good all the way up till recently when I gave up on myself. I always do this. I cannot be on a program, I have to eat healthy on my own & work out to succeed. I don't know why I think every time will be different & tell myself OK, maybe this time will be different, this time I will prove to myself I can to it. Well I set myself up to fail every time I do it. WHY,WHY, WHY!?!?!?!?! Yes, I'm frustrated with no one but my fat as* self. Don't get me wrong I love the 21 day fix, but I think the whole thing about only eating so many color coded containers isn't me. I can eat the food allowed ( I get that) and I understand portion sizes now, but if I want all green containers for the day but am only allowed to have 4, well I'm going to have all green containers & go over the 4. I think I've finally realized I have to do what I know works for me.
I'm going to continue doing Beachbody and getting the challenge packs for the work outs, but I don't think I'll be doing the food menu's with them. I will get great ideas for "clean" eating and use them to better my eating nutrition, but I want to eat what I want to as long as it's healthy for my body. After years of weight struggling & yo yo'ing my weight up & down so much I know what works for me and need to stick to it. I'm getting so frustrated because I have been at the same weight for a year and a half if not more. I don't understand WTH is going on. Sometimes I wish I can get a nutritionist to help me figure out a plan (not eating plan) but teach me what to look for and what not to even bother touching. I just wish I had more money & can afford something like this :-( So from here on out I am going to continue the Beachbody work out video's but eat my own schedule of clean eating. I have to say that the 21 Day Fix has taught me allot about "clean" eating and I like the way I feel when I eat the healthier foods compared to the processed unhealthy foods. We'll have to wait and see what happens.
Another note, I wish I can just get a break as in let things start working out for me in a good way. Help get all the bad luck/negativity out. I have become a completely different person lately and I DO NOT like the person I have become. I'm mean, uptight, evil & negative especially to my kids (I hate myself for that). I feel like I yell & scream all the time and I hate it. I feel so guilty when I yell at my kids, I feel like I'm going make them grow up to hate me. I wanna be who I use to be, this person I've become has scared the crap out of me. I don't know what's wrong, I don't know why I'm like this. I want my kids to love me and I want to stop being the "evil" "bad" mom. Maybe it's the lack of help I get & lack of respect, compassion, love.. I haven't heard the words "You look great/awesome/good" in who knows how long and it's depressing it's something you need to hear from time to time to let you feel good. Another thing I'd love to hear is "You are doing a wonderful job and thank you for everything you do." Is that so hard, even if it's not true heck I won't know the difference but will make me feel better about myself and not like I'm there doing everything but I am invisible to everyone. Maybe I'm crazy because I just need to hear good things sometimes to boost my spirits. Maybe I need help with things, maybe just maybe I need something!!!! I just hate who I am so much & want the old Jennie back ASAP!
OK, enough of that, I just had to be honest. I've typed enough and have gone on and on. I will end it here to spare anyone..
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