Seriously, 2014 can end any time now, and bring on a happy & healthy 2015. It has been nothing but illness in my house since September and then add to that mess my father passing away end of November. I'm done, so far done with 2014. Currently my DH has the flu and we all know when men get the flu they carry it out to be worse then what it probably is, but there is no point on arguing that with him. With Christmas next week I'm praying that the kids nor I get this. With the luck I've been having I probably will get it just in time for Christmas, that'll probably be my present.
I have been having strange issues with my 4.5 year old Joey the past couple weeks, especially right after he got sick. He is always complaining about not feeling well and he doesn't really want to do anything anymore. He is always complaining about just wanting to go home and lay down. I mean seriously what 4 year old doesn't want to go see Santa??? Yep, Mine! Last Sunday they had Lunch with Santa and we fought and he cried that he didn't want to go, that he just wanted to stay home and lay down and rest. Seriously makes you think..... is there some really wrong with him or is has something been bothering him or is it all in his head. Who doesn't want to see Santa? He no longer wants to go to school, everyday this week has been a struggle and I literally had to pull him out of the house without his jacket on Monday (put his jacket on in the car) and force him in the car. Then when we got to school he cried and wouldn't let me leave (the teacher finally got that under control). Every morning we fight about going to school & personally I don't need to add that to my list of stuff to get done before heading out the door. It has been horrible. He was never like this and he loved going to school every day up until a couple weeks ago. I ask him whats wrong and if something is bothering him at school and he says nothing (always refers back to not feeling well). He did mention the other day that he does not like nap time. This coming from a kid that stopped naps when he was 2.5. He says he hates laying there resting. I mentioned this to his teacher and they have offered for him to bring some books to his mat, but not working well. If and when he eats breakfast it's barely nothing and the teacher says he's not eating much at lunch time. I seriously don't know what to do, I don't know what's wrong, don't know if he's really sick or just saying it, I don't know if something is truly bugging him at school. He won't tell me anything & we've taking him to the doctor & they said he's fine. UGH.... HELP I need someone to tell me what I should do, because I want to be able to help him and make whatever is hurting him go away. I want my Joe Joe back that one that loved doing things & smiled. Oh and he has also turned into a very bad disobedient kid. The way he talks to me now is so hurtful. He's never done this.
OK, enough of that. As for weight loss, that is not in my vocabulary currently, but weight gain most definitely is. I keep telling myself for the last 2 weeks I was going to start back to the gym (I wanted to before the New Year so I'm not considered one of those folks that drive me crazy with the resolutions and New Year), but I've been so lazy and so tired from fighting with my kids that by the time they go to bed, I go to bed myself. Last scale weight I was 267.7 which is 10 lbs more then last month. I haven't gotten on the scale since that weigh in, because my clothes are already telling me that I've gained. I don't know what the hell is going on and I'm so over it... I'm done... I just want to starve myself and become a gym rat. I sick of being fat & I'm sick of my total lack of motivation. I'm just sick of it all. I missed a 40th birthday party last weekend because I felt to FAT to go out. I have no clothing that flatters my fat ass. I just feel nasty, disgusting & only feel comfortable in sweats. I don't even need a belt for my fat jeans anymore. They use to fall completely off, but now they are snug. I'm finished completely finished.. I need help, serious help....
Wednesday, December 17, 2014
Tuesday, December 2, 2014
How fast life changes!
Well the last time I wrote in this my life changed all within those 24 hours.
Thursday, November 20th, was a decent day, I was sick and went to see the clinic nurse here at work, which all turned out fine. I ate with the AR department at our company thanksgiving luncheon. Then my afternoon carried on as normal. I got a call from my DH with Joey crying in the back ground for me because he was sick & had a fever and he just wanted his mom. Well if that wasn't heart breaking enough. Then I got a call right as I was about to leave saying to hurry home because Joey just puked and he's complaining his mouth, throat and body hurts and he's having a hard time breathing (but wouldn't do his inhaler). At 5:10 I got in my car to make the long trike home and it was cold and trying to snow. I was on Rt. 303 about 5:20-5:30 and decided to give my parents a call to see if they could watch Joey tomorrow because I was keeping him home from school. I told her that Chris was taking him to Urgicare as soon as I get home because we cannot figure out what is going on and he just finished antibiotics for a lung infection 3 days before. So I talked to her for a few more minutes and got on the highway. It was starting to snow and traffic was slowing down, but I finally made it home about 5:45pm (Not sure on times). I got inside and ate dinner quickly and then went upstairs to change and in the mean time DH was leaving to take Joey to Urgicare. That's when my life changed and everything came to a screaming HAULT!!! I got the phone call that no one wants the one that everyone dreads to ever get... Not even 2 Min's after they left my phone rang & it was my mom. I answered not thinking anything of it and she was crying. This is how it went... "Your dad was just rushed to the hospital & he was unresponsive." Then she had to go cuz my brother was calling in. WTF was that, what just happened, what do you mean?? I finally got a hold of her again & found out what happened. He was feeding the dog and felt weak so he pulled out the stool and sat down, but he fell off & hit his head on the sliding doors. My mom said he has fainted in the past, but she was always able to wake him up. This time she said "Dan, wake up... if you don't wake up now I'm calling 911! well she called 911 and had to perform CPR on him because he wasn't breathing, until EMS got there." They whisked him away and that's all I knew. I called DH balling my eyes out that he had to get home because my dad was rushed to the hospital unresponsive & I needed to get there." He just got to urgicare and was waiting. In the mean time called neighbors and that trying to find someone to watch the kids. Chris came home and I was off to Southwest. I tried calling people & my sisters to tell them. I was crying & the snow was coming down bad by then. The rest of the drive was a huge blur.
I got the ER and parked and walked in and when I told the nurses who I was there to see I could tell immediately that it wasn't good by the look on their face. They got quiet and had me follow them. I then got to the back and was told to go in the God for sakin "Family" room. I knew it, I knew it after that. I was the first one there (my brother was still on his way). My mom was crying & shaking her head & my cousin was there supporting my mom (she is a nurse in that ER) and my Sister-in-Law's father was there supporting my mom (he gave her a ride). At that moment I have to say time stopped, life stopped (shouldn't be typing this at work, cuz it's getting me worked up). Nothing in the world was making sense. This couldn't be, not my dad, no I just spoke to him. He died from a sudden heart attack on that horrible Thursday 11/20/14 night at 6:36pm. I just missed him, I didn't have time to say goodbye or let him know I love him.
Every day after that is still a blur. I feel like I'm a walking zombie and I honestly cannot remember what I did from one minute to another. It's like my body is doing all my activities but I'm not there. I cannot even remember dropping the kids off at school or talking to them. I guess it's what they call the state of shock, but I don't know I don't like this feeling at all. I still don't think it's officially hit me that my dad is gone, or maybe it has & this is how I handle it. How could this be? Shouldn't I be balling my eyes out more and just whatever???? I wish I can do anything in the world, to bring my father back, it wasn't his time. He still has so much to live for and see and do. He needs to see his grandchildren grow up. He needs to be there for my mom and us kids... I NEED MY DAD!!! He deserves to live more them me..
Every day I wait for a funny text to come from him, or his wise ass comments on FB, but non, its been silent for so long. I will no longer have anyone call me "Pig" and me call him "Hog" (inside joke). I still have the last text he sent me and I him and many more that I will never delete as long as I can. Things are so different since then. Thanksgiving was a blank holiday and it was irritating sitting there with family and not feeling it. I just wanted to scream. I'm not looking forward to Christmas at all. My mom is a strong woman and bless her, but she seems to be ignoring me lately. She doesn't text me or anything and it seems my kids do nothing but irritate her these days. I'm afraid to ask her to watch them or anything. I know she is grieving and I respect that and this might be her way of handling it. Heck, I haven't felt like seeing anyone lately or doing anything. I want everything back to how it was, this just isn't right. I want my mom back & I want my dad too....
On another not so exciting note. I weighed my fat self and I'm up 10 lbs since whenever my last weigh in was on here... Oh great most people lose weight in a traumatic experience, but leave it to my stupid body to be the one that gains it. WHATEVER... I don't care anymore. I'm sick of it all of everything.
Thursday, November 20th, was a decent day, I was sick and went to see the clinic nurse here at work, which all turned out fine. I ate with the AR department at our company thanksgiving luncheon. Then my afternoon carried on as normal. I got a call from my DH with Joey crying in the back ground for me because he was sick & had a fever and he just wanted his mom. Well if that wasn't heart breaking enough. Then I got a call right as I was about to leave saying to hurry home because Joey just puked and he's complaining his mouth, throat and body hurts and he's having a hard time breathing (but wouldn't do his inhaler). At 5:10 I got in my car to make the long trike home and it was cold and trying to snow. I was on Rt. 303 about 5:20-5:30 and decided to give my parents a call to see if they could watch Joey tomorrow because I was keeping him home from school. I told her that Chris was taking him to Urgicare as soon as I get home because we cannot figure out what is going on and he just finished antibiotics for a lung infection 3 days before. So I talked to her for a few more minutes and got on the highway. It was starting to snow and traffic was slowing down, but I finally made it home about 5:45pm (Not sure on times). I got inside and ate dinner quickly and then went upstairs to change and in the mean time DH was leaving to take Joey to Urgicare. That's when my life changed and everything came to a screaming HAULT!!! I got the phone call that no one wants the one that everyone dreads to ever get... Not even 2 Min's after they left my phone rang & it was my mom. I answered not thinking anything of it and she was crying. This is how it went... "Your dad was just rushed to the hospital & he was unresponsive." Then she had to go cuz my brother was calling in. WTF was that, what just happened, what do you mean?? I finally got a hold of her again & found out what happened. He was feeding the dog and felt weak so he pulled out the stool and sat down, but he fell off & hit his head on the sliding doors. My mom said he has fainted in the past, but she was always able to wake him up. This time she said "Dan, wake up... if you don't wake up now I'm calling 911! well she called 911 and had to perform CPR on him because he wasn't breathing, until EMS got there." They whisked him away and that's all I knew. I called DH balling my eyes out that he had to get home because my dad was rushed to the hospital unresponsive & I needed to get there." He just got to urgicare and was waiting. In the mean time called neighbors and that trying to find someone to watch the kids. Chris came home and I was off to Southwest. I tried calling people & my sisters to tell them. I was crying & the snow was coming down bad by then. The rest of the drive was a huge blur.
I got the ER and parked and walked in and when I told the nurses who I was there to see I could tell immediately that it wasn't good by the look on their face. They got quiet and had me follow them. I then got to the back and was told to go in the God for sakin "Family" room. I knew it, I knew it after that. I was the first one there (my brother was still on his way). My mom was crying & shaking her head & my cousin was there supporting my mom (she is a nurse in that ER) and my Sister-in-Law's father was there supporting my mom (he gave her a ride). At that moment I have to say time stopped, life stopped (shouldn't be typing this at work, cuz it's getting me worked up). Nothing in the world was making sense. This couldn't be, not my dad, no I just spoke to him. He died from a sudden heart attack on that horrible Thursday 11/20/14 night at 6:36pm. I just missed him, I didn't have time to say goodbye or let him know I love him.
Every day after that is still a blur. I feel like I'm a walking zombie and I honestly cannot remember what I did from one minute to another. It's like my body is doing all my activities but I'm not there. I cannot even remember dropping the kids off at school or talking to them. I guess it's what they call the state of shock, but I don't know I don't like this feeling at all. I still don't think it's officially hit me that my dad is gone, or maybe it has & this is how I handle it. How could this be? Shouldn't I be balling my eyes out more and just whatever???? I wish I can do anything in the world, to bring my father back, it wasn't his time. He still has so much to live for and see and do. He needs to see his grandchildren grow up. He needs to be there for my mom and us kids... I NEED MY DAD!!! He deserves to live more them me..
Every day I wait for a funny text to come from him, or his wise ass comments on FB, but non, its been silent for so long. I will no longer have anyone call me "Pig" and me call him "Hog" (inside joke). I still have the last text he sent me and I him and many more that I will never delete as long as I can. Things are so different since then. Thanksgiving was a blank holiday and it was irritating sitting there with family and not feeling it. I just wanted to scream. I'm not looking forward to Christmas at all. My mom is a strong woman and bless her, but she seems to be ignoring me lately. She doesn't text me or anything and it seems my kids do nothing but irritate her these days. I'm afraid to ask her to watch them or anything. I know she is grieving and I respect that and this might be her way of handling it. Heck, I haven't felt like seeing anyone lately or doing anything. I want everything back to how it was, this just isn't right. I want my mom back & I want my dad too....
On another not so exciting note. I weighed my fat self and I'm up 10 lbs since whenever my last weigh in was on here... Oh great most people lose weight in a traumatic experience, but leave it to my stupid body to be the one that gains it. WHATEVER... I don't care anymore. I'm sick of it all of everything.
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