It's Monday and although I am in the majority that do not like Monday's I have to say I am in the minority of those that like them compared to Tuesdays. Now, Tuesdays I HATE! I do not know why but I've never liked them because for me they are always the longest days at work compared to my Mondays which fly by. Well there you have it, that sums up the day so far.
I went for my pre-op appointment with the hospital on Friday and before I even walked into the hospital my anxiety had the worst of me. I've never thought of it before until that day but I know understand a big part of my problem. I have anxiety and sometimes it takes over and makes me a horrible person. My appointment was at 11 am and I left work at 10:20 (plenty of time to get to the hospital) except I got stuck behind old people that just didn't feel like they had the need to get anywhere so they didn't even do the speed limits. So I took turns here and there trying to get around these "people" and it only got me in other delaying situations. I was setting myself up and I kept telling myself to calm down and just relax, but it wasn't working. So as the time is ticking and getting closer to 11 am I am starting to freak and this feeling is overcoming me inside and I'm getting mad, upset and feeling overwhelmed at the same time and yes all because I'm just going to be late for an appointment. I arrive and rush in and I'm late by 2 whole whopping minutes, but I'm never late for appointments so I find myself apologizing to the check in nurse. I get called back and they take my blood pressure and I warned her of what my body just went thru and that it will probably be high and it was 153/86 (my normal is 125/66 in that range). So she says she'll take it again later on in the appointment. Well I was also scheduled for an appointment on the other side of the hospital at 12 pm so as my first appointment is getting closer to the 12 pm time my anxiety is kicking in again and I'm getting antsy and crazy. I show up a couple minutes late for that appointment and find myself again apologizing for my tardiness.
Anyways in all that mess I come to find out what I think is my problem and why I react to things the way I do. I'm a person of schedule and need to follow it, God forbid if someone or something messes up this schedule for I am not a happy person and these feelings of racing heartbeat, high BP and anger take over and for everything in me I cannot overcome this, trust me I've tried. I get all anxious if someone doesn't follow how I raise my kids or do not have my kids do the one thing I ask that they do. What my husband doesn't understand is I cannot control this, I try many times to not let things like this bug me, but they do. If things are not done how I want them I get all worked up and my HB, BP and that all go up. Another thing he doesn't get is I HATE feeling this way, I HATE it and with him criticizing me for it or calling me names because of it, that hurts, hurts bad. Noone will ever understand unless they go thru it DAILY. He things it's just me overreacting and that I need to get over it and shut up and relax already. TRUST ME I tried exactly what you said and it doesn't work. Instead of him supporting me and trying to help me get thru it and understand where I'm coming from. Instead in his eyes I'm one of those grumpy people and never happy and going to grow old like those batty old miserable old people. NO I am NOT like that and NO I do not want to be like that,so HELP me don't criticize me or put me down for my failure.
Anyways, enough of that. I am starting week 2 of my pre-op diet and doing OK. This weekend was hard, truly hard for I wanted to eat everything I saw. I did cheat but not horrible just with a snack here or there, but I cheated so with a week till surgery I need to stay on top of my game and get thru this week. I'm starting to get nervous about the surgery so much as I had a bad dream about the hospital last night. I'm more nervous about my kids and leaving them with the husband. That too makes me very, very anxious and I know it's shouldn't be a problem they'll be with their father, but you don't know my husband.
People need to remember just because things look good on the outside they are not always that good truthfully. We often tend to put on a smile and go on with the day like nothing is wrong and everything is perfect or good. Some people hide it better then others and to never judge. Just saying.
I will update more later in the week after I have my appointment with my surgeon on Thursday.
Until next time...............
Jennie
