I have failed no one but myself these past several months, I cannot point fingers or make excuses because there are none. I am back up in weight, in the past 2 months I have gained 15 lbs, yes I have put 15 lbs back on and I am so totally disgusted with myself it's depressing (276.2). I have no pants that fit m anymore except for my PJ bottoms and sweats and yes that is what I wear. On Halloween I actually just thru on an old robe and told people I'm going as a house wife only so I can wear my PJ's and not be looked at funny.
So, I quit going to Physicians Weightloss Clinic about 2 months ago and because for a few months I was limited to what I could eat I started indulging in foods that were taken away from me on that diet and it got out of hand. I stopped going to the Clinic because it was getting to be to much with sneaking out for an hour at work to go get weighed in 3 times a week and then meals were getting crazy and I fell off the wagon and hit the ground HARD.
I sit here waiting for my wake up call (like I got when I lost a bunch of weight before, it was a picture). I am waiting for something that just totally disgusts me and changes my view on life. You'd think it was the way my clothes feel or how I don't want to be in any pictures with my kids (Hence why we have no family photos) and yes I know I will regret it later in life, but right now I don't care. I already regret having no family photos of us when the kids were younger. For instance the twins were told to bring in a "family" picture to school so they can hang it up for the year and I didn't have one, not one of all 5 of us together. So I had to give them a picture of just them. That hurt me and still does. I have made it my goal to get family pictures this Spring and it will be up to me if I want to be smaller or a whale. Either or the pictures WILL be taken with all 5 of us.
Recently we went to a wedding for my cousin and OMG, the photo's of me are disgusting, I am HUGE and don't tell me otherwise because we all know the truth. Here are a couple pictures of me from 10/24 and yes see how gross I am. I am the one in black pants and a blue shirt.
Just pathetic and it seems that I just don't care anymore, which is wrong I do care I don't want to get diabetes, high blood pressure, or whatever else comes with obesity. I currently am blessed enough to not have any of that, but it won't be long before that changes if I don't do any major changes myself.
I am lacking serious motivation. I come home and after taking care of the kids I just want to sit on the couch and to absolutely nothing. I want to start running again and I did a few times last week and did great, but the motivation is lost again. I walk with a co-worker for 2 miles at lunch time but then fail when food is presented. I seem to be hungry ALL the time and I don't know why. I need someone to truly push me, someone to help me with my food choices. I want to set a healthy life style for my kids and in order to do that I have to become healthy myself. I want my kids to be active and enjoy doing things active and enjoy eating healthy and making healthy choices. My this is my motivation, maybe it is in them, but I just haven't seen it or put blinders on. That is it, I have to do this for my children. I am 40 years old and this weight is only going to get worse with age and all the fun things that comes with being a woman. So if I want to be healthy in 5 years from now I need to make major changes starting right NOW not tomorrow not next week, but right NOW. I need to do this for children but most importantly myself. Whenever I lack motivation I will look at my children.
The other day I downloaded this app on my Galaxy phone called Fooducate because I've heard good things from it. I am still in the learning/adapting phase of it, but so far I like it. It is set to tell me if the things I am eating are paleo and if it is not it will give me alternatives for a better healthier choice. It also grades the food you are about to consume or buy based on preservatives and added stuff that is not good for you. Like I said I have just started and adjusting to it, so I will let you know how it is going next time I update. #fooducate.
Oh and on a great note I am 5 months quit, meaning I have not touched a smoke in 5 months. I can officially say I am smoke free and I hope to remain this way for the rest of my life. I have had so many positive benefits from it and I feel great, now to just get this weight under control too.
Also, this Friday marks a very, very sad day for me (11/20) it will be exactly a year from when my father passed away unexpectedly. I will remember that day like it just happened, but I am so happy that I took the time out on my lunch break that day to go over to my parents and see them, and on my way home from work I called them and talked to them on the phone, because only an hour after that call I got another call from my mom telling me EMS is taking dad to the hospital because he collapsed and is unresponsive. I didn't know what to do, I was so numb. My husband had just left to take Joey to Urgicare because he was puking and saying he was having a hard time breathing. I couldn't find anyone to come over to watch the other two so I could go to the hospital. Thankfully my husband ended up just leaving urgicare and coming home so I could go (Joe ended up being better). I cried the whole way to the hospital and my brother was on his way too from work. I called my sisters and my very close friends crying because I was so worried. I walked into the Emergency room and went to the counter and right after I gave them my dad's name I knew, I knew by their expression that it was bad, very, very bad. My cousin Shannon (she's a nurse there) met me at the door and I knew cuz I saw my brother father-in-law and when she took me to a room instead of where my father was I knew it was over and then saw my mom in the room crying and shaking her heard and I just started balling. Trying to call my husband and sisters to tell them. Then my bother arrived and it was hard. Then my husband found a babysitter and came up to support us and then we got to go see my dad. I picture him laying on the bed lifeless. Ugh, worst day of my life by far. All happened only one week from Thanksgiving so yes that holiday sucked. They said they did everything they could for him and they believe it was a heart attack that did it. I personally think he was gone before they arrived. My mom had to perform CPR on him until EMS got there. For those of you that were blessed to ever get to know my dad you know what I wonderful and great man he was. I was "Daddy's little girl" I loved him more then everything.
Here are two pictures of my dad and I.
Until next time.......
