I have been supper busy with life in general and I know it will only get worse with school starting shortly and all the sports starting up again. Yes, I know it only gets worse the older they get. This past weekend we ended up going "Cave Man Camping" with my BFF and her family and even though I am all for glamour camping any day it wasn't that bad, but I will tell you that I will never do that type of camping again. It's not for me, I want the necessities at least (ea: toilet, running water) I wasn't happy with peeing outside all the time and it wasn't like the bathrooms were close enough to walk to every time you had to go especially after drinking and daylight left us. Then leave it to my wonderful DH who decided to treat me like shit all weekend. I couldn't do anything right this weekend, nothing. He just seemed so distant and so out of the picture every time. He didn't join in on anything that we all did. I thought I was doing good with getting everything ready and all the food prepared and ready to cook and I even let him know what I was planning on making, but he insisted that he didn't want my stupid chicken ka-bobs and absolutely needed to go to a Walmart to buy a steak and toys. Now mind you we were in a State park in Pennsylvania so the nearest Walmart was about 45-60 minutes away and then he had my 5 year old son come with him so that made him miss out on some of the fun activities that we did with the kids at that moment. Anyways we did nothing but basically argue the whole time and then it continued when we got home all the way till today. So Sunday I drove home which was a 3 hour trip and he slept and then as soon as we got home he went to bed and slept from about 12:30 till 5:45 when I woke him up because I had to go to softball. he slept the whole time my mom & nephew where there (Mom brought him over because he is going home Wednesday and so we can see him & say good bye). Then when he woke up he was still dozing off on the couch and yes that made me a bit scared to leave for softball. I got home around 8 pm and everyone was up in bed and yes he found some reason to yell at me and make something all my fault. I truly don't know what he does with the kids when he's home or what he doesn't do. So then he proceeds to call in sick on Monday and slept till about noon when he then lets the sitter go home and then brings the kids all up to our bedrooms to lay down some more and have the kids watch a movie. I have no idea how long they stayed up there, but nothing was accomplished. Then he went to bed at 7 pm right when it was time to give the kids baths. So I again give baths and then deal with everything else after I unpacked from camping and played with the kids and played softball and then when to work a full day and then came home and played with the kids again, do I ever get asked if I want a break, if I want to sit back or go to bed and he'll take care of everything for the night, NO never have I EVER in the 9.5 years been asked or even mentioned this to me. I don't know but I will tell you that ever since he had this weight loss surgery back in March he has been nothing but MEAN to me and rude and distant. I'm sick of it, sick and tired of it. He's very quick to blame this on me and tell me that I bitch to much and he's sick of it, we'll if anyone had to put up with what I do they would bitch too. I get no help with the kids or the house work, and then when I do bust my ass to get things done only to have the other "adult" in the house come home and mess everything up or just be flat out disgusting slob and never close, throw, clean up anything then yes I have every right to bitch. I would think if I had help then I wouldn't have to bitch so much or if he actually cared once to listen to what I was saying the first time then I wouldn't have to repeat myself to make sure you heard me or acknowledge that you heard me. He never talks and we never talk, anytime I try to have a conversation I give up because he isn't listening or acts like he doesn't care. I cannot remember the last time I actually got to sit and enjoy a conversation with him. I knew this going into the marriage why did I think that was going to change and then he has absolutely no compassion at all, no sensitive side at all and if you look at his immediate family they are the same so I should have known better. I truly miss compassion, loyalty, hearing the words "I love you" come from him or even wanting to spend a evening with me talking and relaxing. Shoot even a kiss. He doesn't even say good bye anymore when he leaves, just walks out the door and then I have to call him to see what is going on and where he's going. He doesn't even ask me if I had plans or such he just assumes I never have plans and so he gets to make plans and go out. I make plans and he automatically throws me the guilt trip, for instance going to the gym at night when the kids are in bed. I can't tell you how many times I have cried driving to the gym just because his reactions or words make me feel like I'm a bad mom for wanting to do something for myself.
Anyways, I at again have fallen off of the weight loss wagon and I am back up 4 lbs. I do not understand why I constantly keep doing this to myself. Why do I let the weekends just destroy what I worked hard for during the week. I did Ok camping this weekend but I did not stick to my PWLC eating plan and plus I had drinks Thursday thru Saturday so that is a HUGE no, no! So to continue my streak starting last Thursday I have continued to eat unhealthy. I ate good at breakfast & lunch yesterday but then at dinner time he ordered Italian subs, cal zones & pizza so yes I ate my whole sub and some of the cal-zone and pizza. Then this morning I ate one of a cheese stick and a bagel. For lunch I had fish with seasoned veggies (I was good there) but then I munched on someones birthday cake and I had the extra frosting from another co-workers slice. Yes, I felt absolutely miserable after eating it. Plus I skipped the gym yesterday in hopes that I could get to bed early and get a good night sleep, well my sleep sucked last night because I was up constantly. I truly hate the days right before my period, ugh. I cave all the time and yes I know I need to stop, it's just hard and I need more will power. This diet will not work if I do not stick to it. I need to get myself together and get back to it. My weigh-in tomorrow is going to be ugly after these past two days, but no one to blame but myself. I am planning on going back to the gym tonight (Oh yeah I only went 2 days last week or maybe only 1 day I forget now). I am going to yet again get myself back on track. If I want to lose 60 lbs by November than I need to get back to it and starting right now, not tomorrow, now!
So I am determined to pick myself up and keep going, not to let a few days ruin what I have come so far. I will get better at this diet/weight loss thing and it will soon become second nature.
On another bright note is I am 56 days smoke free and still going strong.
Until next time.............. I hope I have better things to report.
