Weekends get Crazier with Warmer Weather

Well the scale yet again HATES me!  I have not lost anything and I stuck with my treadmill work outs all last week, I do think allot of it has to do with PMS, because I always put on a couple pounds right before my monthly & I'm praying it comes today or tomorrow so when I weigh in at W.W. on Thursday I will be lighter.  Trust me it is very true, I have always put on poundage before my Aunt Flo, OK, enough about that.

I had a very crazy busy weekend schedule and even though it is nice, since it is the only full days that I get with my kids I truly want them to go as slow as possible (Other then no work too).  Our next couple weekends are filled with stuff too.  This past Saturday besides the usual dance class for Addisyn, all five of us had dentist appointments to get our pearly whites cleaned and then I took all three kiddo's to Target with me and then we went to Cleats to have dinner with my brother & his two kids and my mom & then Sam & her Co-worker.  My sister lives in Colorado but she is in Pittsburgh (nice City) till end of this week so since it is only an 1.5 hour drive they came to see us, it was nice. Got home and put the kids to bed and I cracked open a Bud Light (We have a love/hate relationship) and relaxed. The night before we had a fire with my neighbors Ron & Chrissy.  Sunday I did laundry and some cleaning all morning until about 12:15 when I left to go have lunch with my friend Amy which we have been friends since Pre-schoool.  It was really nice chatting with her for hours.  Then came home switched up the laundry and sat for about 5 mins and that is when I realize I should have never done that, because it hit me and I was exhausted.  I then left for my softball game at 5 pm and we won 17-14, wahoo.  I got home and bathed the kids and put them to bed and finished up laundry.  I was so completely out if by the time I went to bed.

Oh, and about said softball game I have realized how much I cannot run.  Now, even when I was skinny and in very athletic shape I was never a very fast runner, I am more of a distance and endurance runner.  Give me miles to go and I can do it at my own pace, I will finish and finish strong.  But running bases is sprinting and I AM NOT or never was a sprinter, so fast forward to this year and being severally obese and try sprinting... Not happening. I feel like I'm moving, but I know in reality and what everyone else sees is what probably looks like I'm walking.  I notice when I to sprint down the baseline my ankles always go other ways then they should.    Twice I was on first base and the guy behind me (that fastest one & probably youngest on the team) would hit it over the outfielders heads and what should have been home runs for him, turned into only doubles thanks to my overweight, obese ass!  It is embarrassing in a way and I have no one to blame but myself, but it kinda puts this extra worry/weight on the mind and makes me wish when I come to bat that I pop out or get out every time.  I know that is very negative for me to think and I would like to change my thinking and go to positive, but it's hard when you truly know the truth.  Well it'll be the same thoughts on Friday & Sunday again this week as I take the field.  I normally really didn't worry about what others think, OK maybe I did worry and it would upset me inside, but I won't show it.  I am just so scared people are thinking "OMG, look at the fat ass, whale." Honestly that makes me tear up thinking about that because when I was pregnant with Jake towards the end of my pregnancy a car of young kids yelled something to me about a whale and that is very hurtful and I about gave up right there.

So in regards to my thinking above I came home from work yesterday and I talked myself out of and into working out several times and there was more times that I favored not doing it.  After rethinking how I felt at my game and the pizza I had for dinner last night, after I put the kids to bed I went down stairs and got on the treadmill.  It was a very rough run all the muscles in my legs hurt and were tightening up plus my shins were hurting and my feet felt like they had cement weights on them.  I was doing the 60 min treadmill work out and I told myself just stop at 30 minutes and be happy you got that in, but when it came to 30 minutes I said ok, just go to 45 now and then when I reached 45 I told myself you only have 10 more minutes of running and the rest is just walking, so you've got this and next thing I know I completed my 60 minutes workout.  My body hurt, my back was very sore, but I did it and shortly after that was in bed, and it was a rough night of tossing & turning but maybe because I was still hurting a little.  I'm feeling better today, my legs a a little stiff and sore, but I AM going to get on the treadmill tonight and I will do it before the kids go to bed so I can watch NCIS at 8 pm tonight.  This is of course after I run to the store to get stuff for DH because he's been home sick & was out Saturday night till 4:30am & so was useless Sunday, WHATEVER!

OK, that is all for now.  I have to run.  I will get with you later!!!!!  Until next time...........

Not much just pictures/sayings

I'm not going to update, but I just wanted to post some weight loss things I thought were good or funny.  I will tell you I went to weigh in at W.W. and I'm down a whopping .4, yep fricken .4, WTH!  I also did another 45 mins on the treadmill last night and tonight I will be doing an hour.  That's about all folks, but enjoy these....

 This next one is for Chris....

Gotta chisel that fat away!

Something New with the Treadmill

I want to say nothing much has changed with my feelings, I actually feel like I just want to go crazy at times because I'm not sure if I want to be mad, sad, frustrated, happy or pissed off.  My feelings toward quitting softball are
Running Workout for Beginners still as strong as ever, especially when I see myself in the mirror.   I have to say DH told me yesterday that it looks like I've lost weight and all I could do is laugh in his face.  I know that was the proper thing to say or maybe he was looking to get something out of my about his 43 lb lose in 3 weeks.  He said haven't you lost anything and I snapped back "HELL no, I've gained."  Nice try on his part but it was all BS.  He just called me and said he went to buy new pants and he was in a size 44 but had to buy a 40, I said "That's nice."  He asked why can't I be supportive and I finally came out and told him I can't be supportive to someone that doesn't have to lift a finger to get to where I've been trying to for 5 years.  I can't be happy when all he has to do is wake up in the morning and go to bed and he's down 40 lbs in weeks, when for the last 5 years of actually struggling and working out and watching what I eat I have gone all over the charts from losing 40 to gaining 30.  I'm the one struggling and you are doing nothing, nothing at all but sitting there and losing.  He said its still hard cuz he has to stop himself from wanting a cheese burger, which is understandable, but having the surgery and knowing you cannot eat is it totally different from my struggles.


On to another subject.  This Monday I have went to trying something new with my treadmill at home.  On Monday night I found this 45 minute ass kicker workout and OMG, I was feeling it, but it felt great.  For some reason I cannot find this one online, but I will post the link when I find it.

Then last night I tried this one which was not as intense but was still hard because it had allot of running involved, but it was 60 minutes instead of 45.  Again I felt great afterwards.

Running Workout for Beginners

I swore to myself I will do this at least 5 days or more a week.  Tonight I'm probably going to do the 45 minute one I did Monday night.  The thing I love about interval running on a treadmill is it makes the time go fast.

Here are a few more I've found that I want to try too.

The New Runner Treadmill workout

Treadmill Intervals

45 min Treadmill Hike


Until next time.

Softball has Sprung, but I have Not!

Softball season has started and to be honest with you I am so not ready.  I am still 100 lbs over weight and not shrinking.  My goal was to be at least 50 lbs lighter before it started this season, but I'm not I'm actually 30 lbs heavier than when I ended the season last year.  I feel like a disgusting slob playing, I cannot run nor my fielding of ground balls isn't as quick as it use to be and that also has something to do with pain, but I know if I was where I wanted to be then that would have helped allot.  I am not disappointed in anyone but myself, I let it sneak up on me.  I kept putting off the gym, because I just didn't feel like it or I am so extremely exhausted or just to much to do with the kids and/or home.  Those are all excuses and hence the reason I am where I am today.  I'm so sick of weight loss, and diets and all that bullshit.  I'm sick of it, I'm just flat out sick of it.  I am again wagging the flag, I surrender.  I don't know what to do besides starve myself, maybe that is what I'll do, I'll do a diet of just liquids and veggies.   I'm going to be that beached whale this Summer, my family will be off having fun but because I am a fat pig I will be sitting alone because I have no decent clothes to wear and a bathing suit, that's funny.  I will be hiding for fear that everyone is talking about me "Look at the cow, OMG how could she wear that, Moo Moo." yep that is the world I live in.  I just am out of ideas, I need some encouragement, some motivation or something.  I wish all the time that something would come around that will snap me awake and change my living habits all around.  I say this because the last time I lost a ton of weight that is what happened, I saw a picture of me in what looked like granny clothes.  Well actually they were old people clothes (well old for my age at the time).  I had on my mom's flowered skirt & a sweater with a shirt underneath, if you would have seen it you would understand, but I saw the picture and got so disgusted with myself that I turned everything around.  Disgusting thing about that is in that picture I was 60 lbs lighter then I am now, so just imagine how gross I look now.  I hate looking in the mirror and I don't like my complexion nor how clothing looks on me or how I look from the side view.  I'm embarrassed to go anywhere or do anything and I'm afraid of what is being said behind my back.

Now about softball, I love it, I absolutely LOVE IT and would do anything to play it till the end.  But...... in the back of my mind I'm thinking it's time to give it up.  I'm 40 and my body always hurts somewhere and again I'm obese and just not a player that I use to be, that I'd like to be.  My fat gets in the way of hitting and running (if that's what it's called) or more like waddling.  Then I'm just so fat to get any ground balls.  I hate running and watching all the flub run with me.  I don't like the pain in my back, knees and arm.  But.... I love the game.  This is the reason I wanted to be 50 lbs lighter by the start of the season this year, so all the strain all this excess weight is putting on my body is gone and I'm sure most of the pain I feel is because of this.  Again I have no-one to blame but myself.  I am seriously considering quiting, but I will wait to make sure they have enough girl players so they don't get screwed, but they will be better off without a tub-o-lard holding them back. Maybe and I say maybe I will start back up next year if and only if I lose this weight.  I will first have to make sure the teams are set with players first.  I just can't, can't do this to my team nor myself.  This is a hard decision but I believe I have to do, I don't deserve to play because I haven't reached my potential.

Now about the lazy, slacker that is losing weight fast as I still sit here year after year trying to figure everything out and why nothing is happening and what can I do to change it.  I'm glad he is doing good and no complications from the surgery, but this doesn't mean that I'm still pissed off about the whole situation and how he is accomplishing in less than a month what I have been trying to do in 5 years and I haven't done it.  Yes, I'm sick of tired of hearing about his loss and how good he looks... because he didn't have to DO NOT A DAMN THING, Nadda, nothing!!!  Just had his stomach surgically shaped smaller and he's already lost 40 something in 3 weeks.  Must be f*cking nice, but how about not rubbing it into my face for someone that is trying to do this the right way and have been trying to get healthy for 5 years now.  He has never tired to lose weight and now he doesn't have to.  He said himself he wanted the easy way out, he wanted the fast way out.  Why didn't he have to struggle and feel what it is like for someone like me, why.  Whatever, I give up!!  Why doesn't he even try to help me and let me have time to go to the gym or workout while he watches the kids.  Because everything to him is always about him, no one else.  I am always placed last.

Again I'm giving up... I have no motivation or desire to go forward or even care about my weight.  Whatever God decides is right for me is what I'm going to let happen, if I'm deemed to be severally obese for ever, than so be it.  I'm not going to make myself get fatter (or at least try too) I will try to motivate myself if something comes around, but I'm done stressing about it 24/7.  My weight problem is always on my mind and if it's not it is always a close second.  

Okay, I've got a slight headache from getting so pissed typing this and shedding some tears.  I'm sorry to go on and on, but this is my blog and I am keeping tabs for myself so I can look back and change things that need to or not.

Until next time.......................

Roller Coaster of Emotions!

Where do I need to start?  I really, truly don't know what, where, when to start.   I will say it is April and the weather if finally getting better so less days are spent being locked up inside, and the fresh air feels AWESOME! I have been trying to get the trio out more and more and as often as I can.  I am so looking forward to Summer, but again, who isn't?

Yesterday was Easter and this week my trio is on Spring break.  I have to say it was a nice day yesterday, I took the kids to my parents and they had a blast with their cousins and the weather was perfect.

So allot has happened since I last wrote, but not much worth writing about.  Last Monday 3/30/15 I added my day care cost back into my gym membership and I am proud to say that I took the kids up there after work and did the same on Tuesday and it felt GREAT.  Then of all things that seem to always happen as soon as I join a gym, I got sick.  Tuesday I started getting that scratchy, sore throat feeling and couldn't stop sneezing, OMG the sneezing.  I started popping Zicam right away, but it did work, I got sick.  I have this horrible chest cold and with my asthma having issues breathing especially when I do something that requires heavier breathing (like the treadmill).  So I took the rest of the week off and that upset me.  On Thursday my new workout shoes (these are the exact ones I got) have arrived and I was so, so excited and cannot wait to break them in at the gym, but sadly haven't been able too.  I'm still coughing but I am going to suck it up tonight and take the trio to the gym with me after work and what makes it better is since they are on Spring break this mom got to start work early so I get off work at 4 pm today.   My current routine for now is 30 mins on the Elliptical and then 25 mins on the treadmill and then I alternate leg and arm days on the weights, probably about 45 mins on those.  I have to admit I love, LOVE working out my legs, so leg days are Mon, Wed & Fri and then arms on Tues & Thurs (I despise working out my arms).

Now on to my total roller coaster ride.  As in my previous posts my DH had his Gastric Bypass (Bariatric surgery) on Tuesday 3/31/15 and he was home on Thursday and he's doing well!  I truly don't know why I am so pissed, jealous, annoyed, frustrated, depressed about the whole thing.  I don't know what I am honestly feeling except for hatred or something.  Here is an overview of what is going on in my head.  I'm pissed because here I am struggling for 5 years with my weight and I have tried everything from pills, diets, and hard core working out 5 days a week and I have had No, nadda, nothing with success.  I actually gained another 30 lbs in the last three months last year.  I am pissed at how he hasn't even tried the gym in the 12 years I've known him he went with me for about 2 weeks before he quite.  So basically he didn't have to struggle or let me say work hard to try to get healthy.  Instead he walks into a clinic and all of sudden he had surgery.  Whatever happened to having to spend 3 - 6 months on a diet plan to prove that you can change your eating habits before even being considered for surgery?!?!?!  UGH, the anger I feel towards him (or the situation) is beyond words.  How is it fair?  How is any of this fair, why am I left actually working hard to go no where?  Why do I constantly keep doing this to myself?  I don't know, I don' t have any answer, I'm confused.  Why won't the doctor prescribe me a "magic" pill to help get me moving again.  Why, can't I have the energy I use to have? Why, Why?  Why won't my DH let me go to the gym and not have make me have this GUILT because he's home alone with the kids, and he's texting me every 15 minutes asking when am I coming home because the kids aren't going to bed?  I feel like I don't even care to hear about his results and I just don't care about how much he's lost or what medication you can stop taking.  I DON'T CARE!!  I'm so pissed because he is getting the easy way out and doesn't have to work at the struggles like we do.  I just cry anytime I even look at him, I cry from frustration, anger.  I don't know why I feel so resentful and hateful, I don't know why I feel so depressed over this.  This first weekend was a game changer and in all honesty it SUCKED.  It was so boring and I HATED every minute being home.  He can't do anything, can't eat, can't drink for about 2 months (well no sh*t you're going to lose weight, I can do that without the surgery and lose the same amount of weight). We just sat at home and went out walking every 2-3 hours (what a damn BORE).  I mean we can't go out to lunch or enjoy a beer or two all because he didn't want to "Work" at his weight loss.

 I know, I do want to work at this goal because if I have to struggle or work hard at obtaining it then I will be more grateful for achieving it.  There are so many other feelings going on since his surgery, but I just don't want to get into it.  I truly hope that this is something that will just go away and go away FAST.  I'm hating it and this.

Well, I have to get going it's almost GYM time.   So Sorry for the rant, but I needed to get my anger out somewhere.