Much needed motivation!

So, I don't remember the last time I posted, but I'm sure it was last week sometime.  Nothing much has changed except I am so tired/exhausted.  I don't feel like doing a thing not even cooking clean/healthy meals.  This weekend showed as for I ate all things bad.  So, yes, I did fail with the 21 day Fix AGAIN!  I am so ashamed with myself I didn't even get on a scale and I do not know when I will feel like getting on a scale again (soon at least).

A lot has happened over the weekend with the kids and (JUST) I.  My twins got their purple striped belt in Karate and I was one proud momma (tears formed in my eyes).  Then I took the trio so the boys can finally get haircuts (since no one else will).  Then showered and got all the kids old clothes packed up in boxes to give to a friend that I promised them too.  Then we headed to a birthday party.  I have to say that the kids had a blast but I was just physically drained by the time I got there.  Yesterday was another lazy day were we hung around in PJ's because I couldn't even get an ounce of motivation in me to change or pick a finger up to do a thing.  I ordered pizza for lunch and that was dinner too.  I was happy my softball game was cancelled because of rain.  Then I got a tinge of energy to get up and go to Giant Eagle for a couple things and then did a load of laundry.  Then of course right before bed I decided to clean out my washing/dryer machines and the kitchen.  Then I slept like crap.  We lost power at about 2:30am and it finally came back on around 6:30am. 

So the past couple days I've been very nauseous and just wanting to puke to feel better.  Last time I've felt like this I also had dizzy spells with it and my doctor diagnosed it as Vertigo.  I just don't have the dizzy spells this time, so I'm not sure if it's the same thing.  I just hate feeling nauseous.  I'm to the point where food kinda makes my stomach turn at the thought, and I'm not hungry, but then food helps settle it for a little bit of time.  Who the heck knows.  Then on top of that add the complete exhaustion.  NO, I am not pregnant (had the tubes times almost 3 years ago).  I wish I had an answer though because I want my energy back.  I often wonder if it's because I'm doing A LOT on my own and maybe it has just caught up?  I have been yelling at the kids to much lately and I feel absolutely BAD about it.  That's another thing is I've been so emotional as in crying at a drop of a hat.  Oh and my period is due to show in 8 days so that could possibly be it too.  Who in the hell knows...

When it comes to my diet, as soon as I get motivation I am going to go on my own diet for a couple weeks and do my work out video and see how that goes.  I don't know what's wrong with me... Sometimes I just HATE myself.  Sometimes I just feel like a huge pushover to everyone and that no one takes me serious or cares if I do or don't do anything.  No one ever wants to hang out anymore or even bothers to call to ask me or my kids and I to hang.  I just don't think anyone likes to hang, maybe I'm that boring/idiotic or whatever.  I have to correct and say there is one friend out there that listens.

OK, I gotta go this is making me cry.  Don't you ever wish that there was someone out there that you can "talk" to that won't judge you & will listen to you & offer kind words of advice or heck just let you vent & doesn't make you feel like an idiot for feeling/doing what you do. 

Until next time..................

Setting myself up to fail

Yep, this person right here ate a bag of combo's all by herself for lunch.  Yep the WHOLE bag & not one of those little bags.  I hate myself for it, but I have absolutely no one to blame but myself once again.  Along with the bag of combo's I had a strawberry Shakeology.  If you wanna know why I ate this, well I do not have an answer for you, I can't even tell you what was going thru my head when I bought them & chowed down on them.  The only feeling I had was pure guilt, but that didn't stop me I kept going. 

So I'm suppose to be on week 3 day 3 of the 21 day fix and I did good all the way  up till recently when I gave up on myself.  I always do this.  I cannot be on a program,  I have to eat healthy on my own & work out to succeed.  I don't know why I think every time will be different & tell myself OK, maybe this time will be different, this time I will prove to myself I can to it.  Well I set myself up to fail every time I do it.  WHY,WHY, WHY!?!?!?!?!  Yes, I'm frustrated with no one but my fat as* self.  Don't get me wrong I love the 21 day fix, but I think the whole thing about only eating so many color coded containers isn't me.  I can eat the food allowed ( I get that) and I understand portion sizes now, but if I want all green containers for the day but am only allowed to have 4, well I'm going to have all green containers & go over the 4.  I think I've finally realized I have to do what I know works for me. 

I'm going to continue doing Beachbody and getting the challenge packs for the work outs, but I don't think I'll be doing the food menu's with them.  I will get great ideas for "clean" eating and use them to better my eating nutrition, but I want to eat what I want to as long as it's healthy for my body.  After years of weight struggling & yo yo'ing my weight up & down so much I know what works for me and need to stick to it.  I'm getting so frustrated because I have been at the same weight for a year and a half if not more.  I don't understand WTH is going on.  Sometimes I wish I can get a nutritionist to help me figure out a plan (not eating plan) but teach me what to look for and what not to even bother touching.  I just wish I had more money & can afford something like this :-(  So from here on out I am going to continue the Beachbody work out video's but eat my own schedule of clean eating.  I have to say that the 21 Day Fix has taught me allot about "clean" eating and I like the way I feel when I eat the healthier foods compared to the processed unhealthy foods.  We'll have to wait and see what happens. 

Another note, I wish I can just get a break as in let things start working out for me in a good way.  Help get all the bad luck/negativity out.  I have become a completely different person lately and I DO NOT like the person I have become.  I'm mean, uptight, evil & negative especially to my kids (I hate myself for that).  I feel like I yell & scream all the time and I hate it.  I feel so guilty when I yell at my kids, I feel like I'm going make them grow up to hate me.  I wanna be who I use to be, this person I've become has scared the crap out of me.  I don't know what's wrong, I don't know why I'm like this.  I want my kids to love me and I want to stop being the "evil" "bad" mom.   Maybe it's the lack of help I get & lack of respect, compassion, love..  I haven't heard the words "You look great/awesome/good" in who knows how long and it's depressing it's something you need to hear from time to time to let you feel good.  Another thing I'd love to hear is "You are doing a wonderful job and thank you for everything you do." Is that so hard, even if it's not true heck I won't know the difference but will make me feel better about myself and not like I'm there doing everything but I am invisible to everyone.  Maybe I'm crazy because I just need to hear good things sometimes to boost my spirits.  Maybe I need help with things, maybe just maybe I need something!!!!  I just hate who I am so much & want the old Jennie back ASAP!

OK, enough of that, I just had to be honest. I've typed enough and have gone on and on.  I will end it here to spare anyone..

Scales do not lie, or do they?!?!?!

The scale was a little disappointing today I got on and I am back at 252.3, UGH.  This is my never ending battle.  I have been trying for way over a year to get under 240 with no success.  I do not understand why, why, why it won't budge.  I've come so close, but never made it.  I have switched up routines and diets with no success.  Sometimes you wish you could just starve yourself, don't worry I know how unhealthy that is & my goal is to obtain that healthy lifestyle I had before.  I know that I can probably get my diet more under control, which is why I'm doing the 21 Day Fix. It's all about clean eating and healthy choices. 

I just recently read this article that I found fitting. 

Dieting vs. Exercise for weightloss

I have been trying to be allot less stressed lately because I know how much that inhibits weigthloss.  It's just seriously hard when you have 4 year old twins & a almost 3 year old constantly whining and doing things that they know they are not suppose to or a DH who isn't that much of a help around the house.  Plus this Summer has been extremely busy now that the twins have started participating in sports.  Don't get me wrong I love that they are involved and such, but sometimes it's just allot of work (now I see what my parents went thru with the three of us, LOL).  I know it's only going to get worse when they start being on different teams.  Plus this Fall the twins will be in Pre-K and Jake will be starting Preschool.  My babies are growing up to fast :-(  Here is a recent picture of them.

This is from a birthday party this past Saturday.  7/12/14!

Well back to dieting... I am going to & I mean going to do the Lower Body Fix tonight (no BS excuses) and I'm not sure what I'm making for dinner yet.  Last night I made  Crunchy Honey Garlic pork chops (yum, yum, yum) and steamed broccoli & cauliflower. 

Until next time......................

Week 2

Today is the start of my week 2 on the 21 Day Fix and I thought I did great this weekend, but when I got on the scale it said other wise.  I was weighing in at 252.2 again.  UGH, I really don't understand my weight and what the hell it's doing.  Anyways, I put my head up and moved on so far today.  I will be doing the Lower Body Fix tonight (finally) and might add in another work out to make up for not working out this weekend, seriously my weekend was jammed packed with running everywhere but home. 

So far I've had a Strawberry Shakeology with blueberries and for lunch I had a salad.  So far I've used a red container & 3 green containers & an orange.  I did bring snacks with me which was a peach & a kiwi and two hard boiled eggs, but the fruit wasn't good & the eggs I didn't cook them to my liking so I didn't eat them, but all in all I'm surviving & not hungry.  I did cheat and on my lunch today I stopped to get gas & went and got a small bag of combos, and honestly I cannot give you an honest reason as to why I got them.  I didn't crave them or anything like that. 

So my weekend was so busy.. Friday night the Twins when to an Indians game with their dad, and I had a double header softball game.  Saturday the twins had a T-ball game at 10am then we went shopping for birthday gifts & went to pick up Jake from my parents (he spent the night) then got home took a quick shower got everyone ready and headed out to our 1st birthday party stayed for a few hours and then headed to my nieces birthday party.  We got home about 9:15pm and the kids hung in the back yard by the fire for a bit and then went to bed.  Sunday I cleaned the whole first floor of my house, that took several hours.  Did laundry and then by the time that was over it was time for softball which was another double header for me.  the twins had a game at 1pm but my husband was too lazy to take them & didn't.  I also had to miss my friends engagement party Sunday night because of softball, but I heard she had a good time so that's what matters.

Well, gotta go and try to stay awake.  I must get everything done tonight!!!  I'm just SO tired after the weekend. 

Well until next time........................  Stay thirsty my friends.

Mind will not shut off!

Day 4: Round 2: Let me start off with I didn't gain or lose today the scare read the same as yesterday 249.2.  I didn't get done running around and building storage cases until 9:45 last night so I didn't get my workout in.  I was going to do my Lower Body Fix which I'll do tonight along with the 10 min Abs.  I've eaten great so far with no cheating (Wahoo, go me).  I had a shakeology for breakfast and an apple for snack and a small salad (3 green containers with spinach, romaine, peppers, onions & cucumbers) for lunch and I just snacked on Roasted red pepper hummus with crackers.  So I'm feeling pretty satisfied if not a bit full right now. 

Now for my mind.  I have lots going on and I cannot get my mind to shut down for a second and give me a chance to just not think of anything.  I've been having bad/crazy dreams this week probably because I've got so much on my mind.  I have some major decisions to make and I have to gain some respect for myself and stand up for my self for once & for those that know me, know it's not easy to do.  It takes allot from me to just confront someone and then sometimes I chicken out of everything I wanna say & do not get it all out & then fall right back into the pit.  I do wish I had the guts to speak my mind.  I just have allot to get off my chest that's been bottled up for a few years and it's not healthy for me nor my kids.  I just need to know my options first. 

Well, tonight I have to finish building our pantry cabinet (I got an extra one cuz our pantry is too small) then it's workout time and we'll see what type of energy I have it may be clean up time.  this weekend I'm going to go thru and clean house & I mean top to bottom go thru closets and storage and throw things away we don't use or need anymore.  No more clutter, I'm sick and tired of it.  Maybe see what we have in the end & have a sale.

Well that's it my folks................ until next time...

Food Cravings Guide

Food Cravings

Got this info from : Healthy weight lost & dieting tips....


Ten Super Green Foods

Hump Day - D3, R2

Hello all!  I am feeling pretty good right now.  I have stuck to the Fix so far (yeah, yeah it's only been 3 days) and my body feels pretty good.  I finally got my measurements (check my measurement tab) and took my before after photos (I will not post those until I'm finished).  The scale was reading at 249.3 (.3 oz lost, LOL).  I have to say that I am also proud of myself that I got my Upper body Fix in last night after the trio went to bed.  I had some running around to do last night since T-ball was canceled and then put together a storage bench (not an easy task with three little one trying to help & making sure they don't lose any pieces) then I was feeling some sort of lazy and really didn't feel like using it & was going to say hey at least I put the bench together, that should count, right?  Well NO & I felt much better afterwards. 

Tonight the twins have karate then dinner at my parents (at least the kids, unless mom cooks something healthy & 21 Day approved) then I might eat there, or I'll wait till I get home and make my Avocado Chicken Salad, I'm actually going to make it no matter if it's for dinner tonight or lunch tomorrow.  I have became a huge avocado freak recently, I went from never eating it to wanting it on everything, LOL!  My lunch today was left over Tuna salad from yesterday and snack I had roasted red pepper humus on a slice of whole wheat toast & almonds & peach.  I have an apple for later to hold me over if I have to wait to get home to eat.  Tonight, I will be putting another cabinet or two together and then doing Lower Body Fix. 

That is basically all for now cutting time close, until next time.........

Day 2, Round 2

Well, yesterday went great!  I didn't cheat and got my workout in.  I finished Total Body Cardio Fix and I'll let you know my upper abs and hamstrings are feeling it today, but not horribly just when I stretch.  Got on the scale this morning and I am at 249.3 (253.0 7/7/14) 3.7 lbs gone.  I think allot has to do with my monthly visitor coming today (Yeah).

I was feeling pretty good today, except for being nauseous.  I felt the same way yesterday, but around lunch I took a pill for vertigo and it's a ton better now.  I was to the point where anything made me wanna puke.  For lunch I had Tuna salad (Solid White Tuna, plain Greek yogurt, celery, egg, salt & pepper & some pickle juice) on one slice of toast.  It was actually not bad & I think I'm going to start making my tuna like this from now on.  Couldn't even taste the yogurt the tuna/celery over powered it. 

It is now 3:46pm and about 2:55 I hit the 3 o'clock slump & I hit it HARD!  I ate an hard boiled egg & the rest of my almonds and it didn't work so I broke down and just now went & got a cup of coffee.  I just seriously wish that caffeine worked on me.  OH well, I'm awake now though. 

Tonight my workout of choice will be Upper Body Fix after the twins T-ball game (if it doesn't get cancelled).  It was pouring "cats & dogs" earlier, but the good ole sun in shinning now. 

OH and I bought some shirts from Kohl's in a 2X size & I am proud to say that they are hanging on me, but sad b/c I already ripped the tags off of them.  Two of them are sleeveless so I'm hoping those are to big (don't want people seeing my bra).

I have to say I broke down yesterday & took it out on my DH (dear Husband) and the kids & I feel so bad about it.  What happened is my OCD of cleaning has been kicking in to much lately and my kids/DH/dogs are making the house worse and worse.  It's so hard for me to come home from work to not even being able to see the floor & I'm the only one that cares.  I came home yesterday to my husband on the couch and the place worse than a mess, dinner wasn't made (but I did tell him I would make it, but only cuz he was suppose to be grass cutting, which never got done) the house was a mess meaning books, papers, toys torn up and in pieces everywhere.  Then the towels I washed all over the dog hair infested floors and dirty clothes everywhere.  I am SO sick of my house being so gross & almost unlivable for me.  I was so close to leaving yesterday.  I really don't understand why this gross, disgusting mess doesn't even phase or bother my DH.  No wonder why my kids are so messy they take after him.  Plus I'm the only one that can discipline the kids meaning he will say one thing and do the other and I'm the one left yelling at the kids (bad mom).  My kids are going to hate me in a few years (OK tearing up as I type this).  It's so beyond frustrating and I am so lost and have no idea on what to do about it.  I have absolutely no help.  He claims he works two jobs (one that is like me sitting behind a desk for 8 hours & cutting peoples grass), well I am constantly working double time 24/7.  I would love to come home from my desk job and go out and cut grass (to avoid the craziness at home) but that's not how it works, we are parents and we need to parents together.  It's also very annoying that he's the only one allowed to be sick or tired (I'm never allowed).  I'm not allowed to go hide in my room from the time I get home till morning time.  It almost gets me to thinking why did you want kids if you want nothing to do with them?  I know he loves them, but he doesn't understand what a true parent means or how to be one.  It's hard, very hard & very emotionally draining.  I'm officially the worst mother in the world & I hate myself for it.  No, I don't want any sympathy, I'm just telling you like it is.  I'm TIRED...  Any advice on how to fix things is welcomed though.  Last night I officially placed it in God's hands to guide me. 

Anyways, to move on to better things.  Sorry about above, but I had to vent & get it out somewhere so figured my personal blog.    Here is a picture of me yesterday after completing the Total Cardio. 

Until next time..............

Day 1 of round 2 of the 21 Day fix

Today is the day, the day to flush out all those poisons I put into my body all weekend (beer, processed foods).  It is 3:15pm and I have done awesome so far.  I just am not feeling to good today.  I think it's a combination of my monthly friend visiting any day (TMI, I know but it comes with the territory) and all the beer and nasty foods I ate since Wednesday night.  Well this time I am ready and I will take the bull by the horns and kick some ass these next 3 weeks.  I WILL not cheat & I will succeed.  This is only 3 weeks and anyone can do this in 3 weeks.

I am so excited to get home & eat a healthy meal then get my workout in.  My new tennis shoes came in the mail and I cannot wait to wear them.  I order Asics running, the first time my brother convinced me to get them I loved them after that.  They feel so weightless which is great if you are a runner.  They can run a bit on the expensive side but I personally think they are worth the investment. 

OH, on another note, I had a very disturbing dream last night that involved my kids but mostly my daughter and it wasn't good.  I keep thinking back to it & it really scares me.  I need to get it out of my mind.  I literally checked on her this morning before I left to make sure all was great.  I want to run home after work and hug her and cuddle.  I've never had anything this bad about my kids and I don't want to ever again.  Sorry, I had to get this out because it is brothering me and I just don't feel like posting it on FB where some people I know can be idiots about it (they probably know who they are)

Ok, back the Fix.  My current weight this morning was 253 ( I will do measurements tonight before I work out).  Yes, after this weekend I have put weight on, but I know most of it is water (PMS & bloating) so that'll go away once it shows up (Aunt flow). 

I really wish I had more of an ability to convince people to try out Beachbody (it's 100% money back guarantee if you don't like it).  I cannot get anyone to commit and it is a bit of a downer.  I want people to get healthy, I want to help people feel better.  I just suck at convincing someone (especially when it's a bit costly, but well worth it). 

However, gotta get back to work.  Until next time.........................

So Emotional

OMG, I am on an emotional roller coaster!  These past few days I cry at everything (no I'm not pregnant).  I just cannot fight back the tears.  I'm a hormonal MESS.

So, my knee appointment has GREAT new & bad news... The great news is no surgery or PT again.  The bad news is this is something I'll have to live with (see tearing up now).  I have wear & tear under my knee cap that's causing the pain.  They stopped doing arthroscopic surgery for this.  He said I have to strengthen my quad muscles and of course loss weight (basically said I AM FAT, or at least that's what I heard).  Both those combined will help bring the pain down, but it will not go away completely, there will be lots of activities that will flare it up.  I knew one day all these sports I played will come back to haunt me (so being active growing up can be a bad thing, don't worry I'm not going to stop my kids from this).  I walked back to my car and cried, cried because I'm FAT & because this is a pain I have to live with and sometimes it really is unbearable. I cannot even play with my kids like I want because they hurt to chase, bend, get on the ground or move in fast movements.  That is my number one reason to want this to go away & then for the pain of course.  I can still work out and play softball, but I cannot do lunges/squats under the pain is better then I can slowly start adding them in again.  I have had enough dealing with pain growing up between two back surgeries (hurting my back is the worst pain I ever had though) and the dealing with the occasional sharp pains from that since I was 17 and now this.  I AM FINISHED WITH PAIN.  Like everyone wishes when it comes to weight loss, cancer, Parkinson's, pain & every other illness out there that there is a Magical pill that takes away it all.  I hope one day there is a medical breakthrough for this, but for now it just sucks. 

So basically I'm feeling very depressed and down lately and just confused with everything in my life right now.  Maybe this is all happening because of the lovely PMS taking place, who knows.

This is all for now.... I'm to emotional to think of anything else and because I'm at work I don't wanna tear up anymore.

Until next time....................take care!

Challange done = big FAIL

I know I haven't updated, but things have been crazy busy..  I finished my round one of the 21 Day Fix on Sunday and I did not do good, I failed the last week.  I have absolutely no one to blame except for myself and I'm not pointing my fingers at anyone, because if I do point I always have 4 pointing right back at me.  Anyways, my total weight lost was 7.4 lbs and no I have not measured myself.  I am so ashamed with my weight results that I just haven't brought myself to do it.  I look at it as you learn from your mistakes and then move on and make them better.

So with all that being said I am starting round two on Monday, July 7th.  I am preparing myself much better this time.  I have researched meal/snack ideas for the Fix on Pinterest and created a board just for that and have started preparing my 3 week meal plans.  Every Sunday I'm going to prepare my food for the week and have it all divided and ready to go, so on the days I'm running around after work taking the trio to their sporting events, I have no excuse to eat what I'm suppose to, because it'll be ready to go.  I am truly ready this round to achieve what I wanted to achieve the first round.  I can and I will do this. 

Also, I finally broke down and scheduled an appointment with another orthopedic surgeon for my knees, so I'm hoping I can finally get answers and relief from the pain.  I am also hoping that he doesn't stop me from being able to do my workouts and playing softball.  I will be devastated, but if it's what I need to do to get better then I will, because I cannot take this 24/7 pain anymore, this is something that has been going on for over a year and just has gotten worse. 

We have allot going on this week.  The twins have T-ball tonight & Thursday night and then Karate on Wednesday.  Then after T-ball Thursday we are heading up to the Lake for the weekend of fun and hopefully nice weather.  I'm excited cuz Friday is my favorite holiday (July 4th).  I think I enjoy it because it's in the Summer time, but I also like everything that comes along with it... fireworks, cookouts, boat rides, pools and just all out fun with others.  The kids are really excited too.  Addisyn taught herself to swim (with life vest) this past weekend and now she cannot wait to get back into the pool again.

I wish everyone or anyone who follows me and reads this a very Happy Fourth of July and to stay safe, but have a blast. 

I am going to try to attached my 3 week menu plan just so you get an idea of what I'm doing this round.  I'm not sure if it'll work.   Ok, I cannot figure out how to attach an Excel file. 

Until next time...................