I do not understand why I am having such a rough time with wanting to get up and go exercise. I have put on ALLOT of weight the last few months and I have felt totally disgusted to the point that I truly don't want to go and see anyone or do anything much. You'd think I eat allot worse for the amount of weight that I put on, but I'm not or I am. I go between eating well at work and then being bad at home in the evening to being good or just bad all day. I do not want to do anything but just kick back and relax. In my head I want to get out there and run or go to the gym, but my body doesn't want to, it hurts from all this excessive weight. I cannot recall when I lost a pound, I do not go anywhere near a scale unless I go to doctor appointments now. I want to lose this weight, I want to be active again and comfortable with myself. I want to be able to pick up dog poop and cut my back grass without getting out of breath. I want to look good and be healthy for my family and myself. I just want to feel good.
I'm going to try to get back into the gym in the evening if I can, its just hard because my husband is always out cutting grass and doesn't get home till very late. Maybe I need to start getting up at 3:30 and heading to the gym (like that'll happen), but it's worth a shot to write it down. I've gotta start doing something because I look 9 months pregnant, my boobs are FAT, I look horrible in all my clothes and I have resorted to wearing skirts all the time (just like over weight people do). I need to change and I need to do it now. I saw myself last Thursday in the window at my daughters Cheerleading practice and OMG I looking like an overweight whale, it was gross, disturbing and disgusting. I need to put a foot down and say enough is enough and get to work on working off this weight, like TONIGHT!
I just had to vent because I'm getting sick of myself. I don't even look at myself in the mirrors. Shaved my legs and my female part last night and OMG, I could barely reach my ankles from they stomach and my boobs getting in the way, now that is absolutely horrible. I don't even want to go to softball because I'm embarrassed at myself and how I look, I don't even know if I can play 1st base anymore (all the bending and stretching needed to catch the ball) for our first game I DH'd because I was to worried to see what I'd look like on the field. I hit the ball great, but I cannot run.
Just a quick vent and update and that. Gotta run, Until next time...............
Thursday, May 19, 2016
Tuesday, May 3, 2016
Quick Hi
I know I haven't posted in a while, but my social life (with kids) has become extremely busy between dance, T-ball, cheerleading and my softball I do not have anymore time to sit down and write. You would think I have lost some weight, but don't fret I am at my heaviest ever (beside right before giving birth to my singleton, which I do not count). I have decided to have the weightloss surgery after lots of thought and research. I cannot lose anything lately no matter what I did and I gave up beer for 4 months and NOTHING.
So over the last month I've been getting ready for surgery, I had to give blood and see a psychologist and then have a sleep study done (the worst experience EVER). I did not sleep at all. I have one more weightloss class which is this Thursday 5/5 and then I should be all set to go. I originally was going to do the gastric bypass, but I am now leaning towards the sleeve. It is less invasive and the heal time is easier and you lose the weight gradually over the time (so means less sagging skin). This was a very hard decision for me because I was so against the surgery and was all for doing it naturally, but it's been a bigger struggle over the last 4 years then I can even imagine and lately no matter what I do I have been putting the weight on not off. My dignity is gone, my pride is gone, no I am not to happy about my decision but I need to do something because all this extra weight is finally starting to catch up to me. I qualified for it surgery only because my BMI is over 40 (disgusting) I think it was at 44. I have been blessed enough to not have any of the weight related issues such as high BP, high cholesterol, Diabetes, etc... and I need to do something NOW before I end up with something. Except for my sleep study.....
My sleep study, first I showed up to the sleep center at 9 pm and they hooked me all up to the wires (that record your brain waves and muscle movements) and then you have to put on this nasal (almost like the oxygen tube) but it doesn't blow anything and it has this plastic piece that hangs by your mouth and stabs you all night long. So to start that was very uncomfortable. Then they put me to bed and they expect you to fall asleep right away. I didn't feel like I slept at all that night, I tossed all night and was uncomfortable. First, I was anxious about being away from my trio and upset about that. Second, how can one sleep knowing that someone is watching you via the camera and listening to every noise you make? I know I snore and I am very, very self conscious about that even in my own home. So anytime I fell asleep I'd wake up right after worried. Anyways, the tech told me the first two hours they will watch and monitor and if at anytime I stop breathing while I sleep (sleep apnea) then he will come in and hook up the CPAP machine and monitor and adjust the air pressure throughout the night. Well the tech never came in, so that is a good thing, right? I thought so, that meant I do not have sleep apnea because I didn't stop breathing at all or he would have come in and put the mask on, which he never did. WRONG, a week later I get a call from said sleep center telling me they have to set up an appointment for me to come get the CPAP auto machine. WHAT? WAIT? WHAT? WHY? He never came in and put the CPAP machine on me so why am I getting this stupid thing? Are you telling me I have sleep apnea? She didn't answer my question and noone has officially told me I do have it. I'm pissed, but set up the appointment because I know I need this in order to have the surgery. I go in for the appointment that Monday pissed off and he brings this stupid asinine machine and hook it up to show me how it works. I will admit I was a bitch to the tech because STILL no one has explained to me their findings and WHY I need this machine? Why when the tech never came in that night and put the CPAP mask on me so that means I didn't stop breathing. Just snored?!?!? I'm confused, frustrated, pissed. So he puts the nasal mask on me and OMG I cannot breathe, I feel like I am suffocating and he doesn't even have the air flow on yet. It felt like all of sudden my nose become overly stuffed up and I was lacking the right amount of air. Then the worst part he turns on the air flow they recommend and OMG, I freaked I couldn't catch my breath, I couldn't breath and it smelled horrible and my throat was killing me and if I opened my mouth all the air was being pushed thru my throat out my mouth. I felt like I was suffocating because it is a continuous air flow so you are constantly working against it to try to breathe out and breathe in. I couldn't do it. Yes, I told the tech but he said "no you're not, you're fine." So basically I have not used it, because I am scared of it and I need my sleep, I cannot go a few nights or weeks without sleep trying to adjust to this stupid thing, I have a job and three little kids that I need to be alert for. I understand the whole it's better then what can happen (death) but my thought if it's my time then it's my time. I do not wake up coughing, gasping for air like I use to when I smoked. I think this is just the companies way of getting money and they just tell you that you have it because you snore. Anyways, I've been taking my allergy medicine and using a nasal strip at night to help with my stuffy nose I always get at night and it has helped and I'm not snoring as much when I use the strips.
Anyways that is my sleep study story, it was horrible and I was a walking zombie the next day at work. Not anything I would recommend for anyone.
I will update more when I get another chance. Sorry for the quick and not very thought out post.
Until next time..
So over the last month I've been getting ready for surgery, I had to give blood and see a psychologist and then have a sleep study done (the worst experience EVER). I did not sleep at all. I have one more weightloss class which is this Thursday 5/5 and then I should be all set to go. I originally was going to do the gastric bypass, but I am now leaning towards the sleeve. It is less invasive and the heal time is easier and you lose the weight gradually over the time (so means less sagging skin). This was a very hard decision for me because I was so against the surgery and was all for doing it naturally, but it's been a bigger struggle over the last 4 years then I can even imagine and lately no matter what I do I have been putting the weight on not off. My dignity is gone, my pride is gone, no I am not to happy about my decision but I need to do something because all this extra weight is finally starting to catch up to me. I qualified for it surgery only because my BMI is over 40 (disgusting) I think it was at 44. I have been blessed enough to not have any of the weight related issues such as high BP, high cholesterol, Diabetes, etc... and I need to do something NOW before I end up with something. Except for my sleep study.....
My sleep study, first I showed up to the sleep center at 9 pm and they hooked me all up to the wires (that record your brain waves and muscle movements) and then you have to put on this nasal (almost like the oxygen tube) but it doesn't blow anything and it has this plastic piece that hangs by your mouth and stabs you all night long. So to start that was very uncomfortable. Then they put me to bed and they expect you to fall asleep right away. I didn't feel like I slept at all that night, I tossed all night and was uncomfortable. First, I was anxious about being away from my trio and upset about that. Second, how can one sleep knowing that someone is watching you via the camera and listening to every noise you make? I know I snore and I am very, very self conscious about that even in my own home. So anytime I fell asleep I'd wake up right after worried. Anyways, the tech told me the first two hours they will watch and monitor and if at anytime I stop breathing while I sleep (sleep apnea) then he will come in and hook up the CPAP machine and monitor and adjust the air pressure throughout the night. Well the tech never came in, so that is a good thing, right? I thought so, that meant I do not have sleep apnea because I didn't stop breathing at all or he would have come in and put the mask on, which he never did. WRONG, a week later I get a call from said sleep center telling me they have to set up an appointment for me to come get the CPAP auto machine. WHAT? WAIT? WHAT? WHY? He never came in and put the CPAP machine on me so why am I getting this stupid thing? Are you telling me I have sleep apnea? She didn't answer my question and noone has officially told me I do have it. I'm pissed, but set up the appointment because I know I need this in order to have the surgery. I go in for the appointment that Monday pissed off and he brings this stupid asinine machine and hook it up to show me how it works. I will admit I was a bitch to the tech because STILL no one has explained to me their findings and WHY I need this machine? Why when the tech never came in that night and put the CPAP mask on me so that means I didn't stop breathing. Just snored?!?!? I'm confused, frustrated, pissed. So he puts the nasal mask on me and OMG I cannot breathe, I feel like I am suffocating and he doesn't even have the air flow on yet. It felt like all of sudden my nose become overly stuffed up and I was lacking the right amount of air. Then the worst part he turns on the air flow they recommend and OMG, I freaked I couldn't catch my breath, I couldn't breath and it smelled horrible and my throat was killing me and if I opened my mouth all the air was being pushed thru my throat out my mouth. I felt like I was suffocating because it is a continuous air flow so you are constantly working against it to try to breathe out and breathe in. I couldn't do it. Yes, I told the tech but he said "no you're not, you're fine." So basically I have not used it, because I am scared of it and I need my sleep, I cannot go a few nights or weeks without sleep trying to adjust to this stupid thing, I have a job and three little kids that I need to be alert for. I understand the whole it's better then what can happen (death) but my thought if it's my time then it's my time. I do not wake up coughing, gasping for air like I use to when I smoked. I think this is just the companies way of getting money and they just tell you that you have it because you snore. Anyways, I've been taking my allergy medicine and using a nasal strip at night to help with my stuffy nose I always get at night and it has helped and I'm not snoring as much when I use the strips.
Anyways that is my sleep study story, it was horrible and I was a walking zombie the next day at work. Not anything I would recommend for anyone.
I will update more when I get another chance. Sorry for the quick and not very thought out post.
Until next time..
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