Softball season has started and to be honest with you I am so not ready. I am still 100 lbs over weight and not shrinking. My goal was to be at least 50 lbs lighter before it started this season, but I'm not I'm actually 30 lbs heavier than when I ended the season last year. I feel like a disgusting slob playing, I cannot run nor my fielding of ground balls isn't as quick as it use to be and that also has something to do with pain, but I know if I was where I wanted to be then that would have helped allot. I am not disappointed in anyone but myself, I let it sneak up on me. I kept putting off the gym, because I just didn't feel like it or I am so extremely exhausted or just to much to do with the kids and/or home. Those are all excuses and hence the reason I am where I am today. I'm so sick of weight loss, and diets and all that bullshit. I'm sick of it, I'm just flat out sick of it. I am again wagging the flag, I surrender. I don't know what to do besides starve myself, maybe that is what I'll do, I'll do a diet of just liquids and veggies. I'm going to be that beached whale this Summer, my family will be off having fun but because I am a fat pig I will be sitting alone because I have no decent clothes to wear and a bathing suit, that's funny. I will be hiding for fear that everyone is talking about me "Look at the cow, OMG how could she wear that, Moo Moo." yep that is the world I live in. I just am out of ideas, I need some encouragement, some motivation or something. I wish all the time that something would come around that will snap me awake and change my living habits all around. I say this because the last time I lost a ton of weight that is what happened, I saw a picture of me in what looked like granny clothes. Well actually they were old people clothes (well old for my age at the time). I had on my mom's flowered skirt & a sweater with a shirt underneath, if you would have seen it you would understand, but I saw the picture and got so disgusted with myself that I turned everything around. Disgusting thing about that is in that picture I was 60 lbs lighter then I am now, so just imagine how gross I look now. I hate looking in the mirror and I don't like my complexion nor how clothing looks on me or how I look from the side view. I'm embarrassed to go anywhere or do anything and I'm afraid of what is being said behind my back.
Now about softball, I love it, I absolutely LOVE IT and would do anything to play it till the end. But...... in the back of my mind I'm thinking it's time to give it up. I'm 40 and my body always hurts somewhere and again I'm obese and just not a player that I use to be, that I'd like to be. My fat gets in the way of hitting and running (if that's what it's called) or more like waddling. Then I'm just so fat to get any ground balls. I hate running and watching all the flub run with me. I don't like the pain in my back, knees and arm. But.... I love the game. This is the reason I wanted to be 50 lbs lighter by the start of the season this year, so all the strain all this excess weight is putting on my body is gone and I'm sure most of the pain I feel is because of this. Again I have no-one to blame but myself. I am seriously considering quiting, but I will wait to make sure they have enough girl players so they don't get screwed, but they will be better off without a tub-o-lard holding them back. Maybe and I say maybe I will start back up next year if and only if I lose this weight. I will first have to make sure the teams are set with players first. I just can't, can't do this to my team nor myself. This is a hard decision but I believe I have to do, I don't deserve to play because I haven't reached my potential.
Now about the lazy, slacker that is losing weight fast as I still sit here year after year trying to figure everything out and why nothing is happening and what can I do to change it. I'm glad he is doing good and no complications from the surgery, but this doesn't mean that I'm still pissed off about the whole situation and how he is accomplishing in less than a month what I have been trying to do in 5 years and I haven't done it. Yes, I'm sick of tired of hearing about his loss and how good he looks... because he didn't have to DO NOT A DAMN THING, Nadda, nothing!!! Just had his stomach surgically shaped smaller and he's already lost 40 something in 3 weeks. Must be f*cking nice, but how about not rubbing it into my face for someone that is trying to do this the right way and have been trying to get healthy for 5 years now. He has never tired to lose weight and now he doesn't have to. He said himself he wanted the easy way out, he wanted the fast way out. Why didn't he have to struggle and feel what it is like for someone like me, why. Whatever, I give up!! Why doesn't he even try to help me and let me have time to go to the gym or workout while he watches the kids. Because everything to him is always about him, no one else. I am always placed last.
Again I'm giving up... I have no motivation or desire to go forward or even care about my weight. Whatever God decides is right for me is what I'm going to let happen, if I'm deemed to be severally obese for ever, than so be it. I'm not going to make myself get fatter (or at least try too) I will try to motivate myself if something comes around, but I'm done stressing about it 24/7. My weight problem is always on my mind and if it's not it is always a close second.
Okay, I've got a slight headache from getting so pissed typing this and shedding some tears. I'm sorry to go on and on, but this is my blog and I am keeping tabs for myself so I can look back and change things that need to or not.
Until next time.......................
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