Last week of my 30's

Yep, I have finally reached a point in my life that no one really cares to hit, but if you are one of the ones that couldn't wait for it then you are probably a rare bread, LOL.  This Sunday, January 25 I will turn 40.  Holy Moly, how did this happen?  Where did my youth go?  I will honestly admit I wish I was in better shape for my 40th, but unless I can drop 100 lbs in a week then it is not going to happen. 

I need to say (per my last sentience above) I have taken steps to trying to help make my goals to this weight loss easier.  I did in fact signed up for #weightwatchers last Thursday thru my company.  Last Monday & Tuesday I did 30 minutes on the treadmill which 14 of them I ran.  I then fell off the wagon and didn't get anymore running in.  I will however be running tonight after the kids go to bed, or I might even do it before then, we'll have to see what the night brings me cuz I have lots of chores that need to get done tonight (before the kids school tomorrow).  I will do this though!

I truly wish there was some type of magical pill that you can take (that wasn't bad for you) that can give you some energy.  I'm just so exhausted all the time.  For instance the other day I slept for 9 hours and that day I felt absolutely no different as if I only slept 6 hours.  I really hate this dragging ass feeling.  I want to have a day that I can just go, go, go and not feel tired or exhausted at all.  A day where I have the energy to get my butt in gear and don't have to force myself or talk myself into the reason why I need to workout, because I will have allot of energy I need to burn so I'll want to do it.  Energy, to do stuff with my kids & get things accomplished that I need to do.  Maybe, this is cuz I'm over weight, maybe I'm not getting a restful nights sleep.  I do have a Fit bit Flex and I love that it tracks my sleep cycle, because this is a way I found out that I wake up allot throughout the night.  So it may say that I went to bed at 9pm and slept till 6am (9 hours total), but in the end after measuring all my restless & wake full times I only averaged 6 maybe 7 hours. 

I'm trying to keep a positive mind and I will do this!  We looked at this awesome house on Saturday and OMG, I loved it and the price is just right.  So we are going to try to submit an offer tomorrow (cuz banks are closed today it's MLK day) I'm so anxious cuz I'm so afraid that someone will be us to this house.  I have to keep in my mind that the statements "If its meant to be then it'll be, but if not then it wasn't meant to be." I believe now with my father in heaven he can see what would work for us and what wouldn't and help guide us on the decisions.  God will be the one that if it's to be he will make it be.  I don't want to make a choice were we're going to truly regret down the road, but sadly we cannot make that decision.  You just don''t know until that time comes, right now we can only look at what it presented in front of us.  I have faith for us to be guided correctly. 

Oh, and I also have faith that I will stick to this and will win this weight loss battle.  With lots of motivation (where I seem to be lacking, currently), self discipline, encouragement & honesty this will be just about as easy as it was when I lost all the weight in my late 20's. 

I can do this, we can do this, you can do it & We'll all succeed! 

TGIF - FINALLY

Phew, it's been a long week.  It's been the first full week back since after the holidays, and we all survived it.  I'm just so ready to get home and start the weekend.  It's also been a cold and sort of snowy week.  When I say cold I truly mean cold to the point where my kids have had off for the last three days and not because of snow, but because of the cold.  The road conditions the past two days coming into work haven't been that great.  Well this is after all Ohio so it is very well expected.  So the kids got a 5 day weekend, after just having 2 weeks off for Christmas..... Must be nice!

I was planning on logging on every day to track my meals, but life got ahead of me.  I told myself to do if even if it was just to document my meals.  Oh well, in all honesty my breakfast for the whole week has been the same smoothie that I put in my last post & they have been doing fairly well with satisfying me till lunch.  My lunches have been the same too all salads.  I will document my meal for today in a second.  As for dinners I've had Mac & cheese with bacon & chicken on Tuesday, Wednesday we ate at my mom's and had spaghetti with meatballs, and Thursday DH made home made Dorito tacos. 

My meal log for today... 

Breakfast: Smoothie = 448 Calories

Lunch: Chicken Paprikash w/ veggies & 3 perogies = 468.20 Calories
Chicken (small breast about 4oz) - 130 cal
1 C: Mixed veggies - 40 Cal
3 Pieces Potato Perogies - 210 Cal
2 servings Paprikash Sauce  - 88.2 Cal

Dinner: Homemade Macaroni & Cheese = 760 Calories
2 Cups.

At least this is what DH told me he is making for dinner tonight. 

I haven't started back to the gym yet or the treadmill and yes, I understand I have to do it very soon so I can start seeing better/faster results. 

I did attend the open house here at work for Weight Watchers and I'm going to join starting at their next meeting next week.  It's worked very well for me and so I have confidence it'll work again and this time I won't have to worry about cancelling because I become pregnant (like the last two times I did W.W.).  These tubes have been tied. 

OK, until next time..... Have a wonderful weekend. 

This Time for Success

Today is Monday, January 5, 2015 the start of the "depression" time!  When all the holidays are done and now there is nothing exciting to look forward to but Easter.  I tend to think February & March are even worse in being  the most depression months because by this time we are sick of the cold and ready for what comes next....... SUMMER! 

Today I started eating much more healthy.  I am going back to my Smoothies for breakfast, like I did when I first started this blog a few years ago and then I was losing at least 1.5-2lbs a week.  I am going to walk/job on the treadmill 5x a week for about a month and see what my stats are and then move to the gym again 5x a week.  I figured I want to get a base started and start losing some weight again and then I will start strengthening along with running.  We will see how my busy life leads me.   I have given up beer until my 40th birthday (or the day before since it's on a Sunday) which is on January 25th.  I know I've been enjoying my beers just alittle to much lately and that is one of the biggest contributors to my weight gain right now.  I was sometimes drinking beer every night & NO not to get drunk, but have a couple.  I enjoyed my last beer for a couple weeks on Saturday.  I am hoping this will be easier for me because there is really nothing planned this month (such as parties or gatherings) so I will have no temptations.  I'm hoping I can do this.  Next step up is to stop smoking within this week. 

Alright, as before I'm going to break down my meals for today up till lunch time (because I'm working later so I'm not sure what the hubby will be making for dinner). 


Breakfast: Smoothie = 443 calories

1 carrot = 29 cal
1 celery stalk = 14 cal
6 slices of cucumbers = 4 cal
2 c Almond milk = 120 cal
1/4 c granola = 104 cal
1 tsp Fage Greek Yogurt (Plain) = 17 cal
1 banana = 108 cal
4 strawberries = 17 cal
1.5 c spinach = 30 cal

Morning Snack: Quaker Cereal Bar (mixed Berry) = 130 Cal

Lunch: Salad in a Jar = 417 calories

1.5 c romaine lettuce = 8 cal
1 c spinach = 20 cal
1 oz feta cheese = 82 cal
1 oz shredded Mexican blend cheese (Kraft) = 101 cal
10 Cucumber slices = 7 cal
2 oz Ranch (Hidden Valley) = 199 cal

Dinner: Home made Sausage & Pepperoni Pizza = 217 Cal
3 Pieces = 651 calories.. 

Never leave it to a man to cook. 


I will update tomorrow with my dinner (once I figure out what DH is making). 

Tonight I will be getting on the treadmill as soon as the kids are asleep and since it's my first time back to running in awhile, I am going to alternate between walking & running.  I will update my stats tomorrow. 

Oh and the scale this morning told me I was down 1 lb to 273.1.
Until next time. 

Miss my father

My computer crashed after typing up this one & I thought I lost it, but I finally see it was saved as a draft (which I looked for before).  Here it is.


So has Christmas & New Years snuck up on anyone else too?  I swear My father passes then a week later it's Thanksgiving and then before I know it Christmas it in 6 days!  I still don't think I've had the time to grieve for my father, I haven't had what feels like the proper goodbye!  With the holiday's already here there is just so much that has been taking place since that God aweful night Thursday, November 20th.  I haven't truly had a chance to sit down, breathe and just let it all out.  There are times when I feel I just need a good all night of crying and not necessary with anyone, but more by myself.  I think I need to do this alone and then talk with someone after that's done.  I feel very weird whenever I go over to my parents house, it just brings a down pour of memories.  I have my moments often when I just cry when certain memories cross my mind.  I cried the other morning on my way to work because one DJ was talking about how he went to a good friends funeral and (she was about the same age as my dad) and how she was so young and how he was sad for the family to be going thru this especially around the holiday's and how everything will be different (he can say that again) for the family.  He talked about how great of a woman she was and she would always put others needs in front of her own, even when she was fighting cancer.  It was so perfectly said and all he was saying fit my dad's description to the 'T'.  My dad was awesome and he was someone that would be a father figure to our friends that didn't have a father and needed one.  He would treat them like they were family.  He would help out where ever he could.  I can only hope that I'm like that and when I finally go my kids will say that about me.  My dad was the perfect role model and a true fighter and he stood for what he believed in.  I was sadden when I found out that the nasty Parkinson's took over his life and ate at his nerves and made him weak and vulnerable.  It actually took my father away, it took the spark he had, but it didn't get him down and he was still a funny, happy person and STILL put everyone ahead of himself.  Basically, if it wasn't for my children I probably wouldn't even celebrate Christmas this year, because the spirit just is not there.  After awkward Thanksgiving felt, I'm so not ready for the next holiday.  I truly wish my sisters lived closer and would make it so then things wouldn't be so bad with having all family there.  I still don't understand why they would move out of State especially to Colorado.  I can see my older sister doing it, but not my younger sister with how devoted she is to her family and friends, but things are the way they are and its something I have to deal with. 

I am going to the gym starting Monday and I'm going to start this all over and see if maybe something will kick start again.  I'm sick of looking at my nasty, disgusting overlays.  I'm sick of being ugly and nasty and probably the laugh of all jokes to skinny people.  "OH, look at that tub-a-lard" "Wow, she is big."  I'm done, I'm disgusted with myself. 

That's about it for now.  I don't know what else to write.  It's the weekend and tonight I get to go Christmas shopping (Yeah, what procassination).  Then tomorrow I get to take all three kids to get the boys haircuts and then to Addi's Dance class.  Wish me luck. 

Until next time.... Merry Christmas & Happy New year.... encase life catches up to me. 

Happy 2015!!!

What's the saying... "New Year, New me?"  Isn't this what everyone says at the beginning of every year?  This year, I want to do something else, but it still is going to be along the lines of this saying.  I have been doing some serious thought and I truly need to come up with something for myself, something that will make me happy (well it'd be great if my family is happy too).  I am going to try to look at everything as positive and try to turn things that are not positive into a positive situation.  I am going to try to not scream at my kids so much and not to let the little things they do get to me.  They are after all KIDS!!  I will also not let my husband get at me as much either.  I know my life has a lot of stress currently and I know if I ever want to get back on the road to weight loss then I need to eliminate most of the stress in my life, and to do this is take what I have and make it better. 

It is really upsetting that my husband is going to be getting the gastric bi pass surgery within the next two months.  I personally don't see him as extremely obese (I see my self heavy and more disgusting looking then him).  But he has Type II, High BP and High cholesterol so he qualifies right away for the surgery.  What is devastating or flat out motivation killer is he doesn't diet now go to the gym & he gets the easy way out & I know he can lose the weight if he really wanted to without surgery, but he wants the quick fix.  I myself have joined Weight Watchers, tried so many different diets and pills and exercise programs and went to the gym 5x a week and Nothing, nothing at all.  I do not have (currently) any medical conditions (thankfully) but I am considered extremely obese.  I got on the scale this past Monday and Yep another 7.1 lbs gained within three weeks.  I was 267 on Monday, December 8th and am 274.1 on Monday, December 29.  WTH am I doing wrong, what is going on.  It's just so devastating and I wish I could get a medical professionals input on this.  Yes, I'm trying to watch what I eat & I know I can definitely get better with that and I'm trying to get to the gym more, or walk more.  I would absolutely love to get to the point where I can run again, I miss running.

I wish I could sit down with a nutrionalist to help me figure out my diet with me and explain to me what I'm doing dangerously and what I can improve more on.  My husband is getting the easy way out and I want something that's going to work for me too.  I filled out the application for the surgery, but haven't heard anything back from them.  I have a number to call, but I'm trying to wait until I'm not in the office so no one around me can hear me talk about this (sorta embarrassing). 

Oh and back to the positive outlook on 2015, well my weight loss goal will be positive.  I can feel it once I figure myself out again. 

Until next time..................

End 2014

Seriously, 2014 can end any time now, and bring on a happy & healthy 2015.  It has been nothing but illness in my house since September and then add to that mess my father passing away end of November.  I'm done, so far done with 2014.  Currently my DH has the flu and we all know when men get the flu they carry it out to be worse then what it probably is, but there is no point on arguing that with him.  With Christmas next week I'm praying that the kids nor I get this.  With the luck I've been having I probably will get it just in time for Christmas, that'll probably be my present. 

I have been having strange issues with my 4.5 year old Joey the past couple weeks, especially right after he got sick.  He is always complaining about not feeling well and he doesn't really want to do anything anymore.  He is always complaining about just wanting to go home and lay down.  I mean seriously what 4 year old doesn't want to go see Santa??? Yep, Mine!  Last Sunday they had Lunch with Santa and we fought and he cried that he didn't want to go, that he just wanted to stay home and lay down and rest.  Seriously makes you think..... is there some really wrong with him or is has something been bothering him or is it all in his head.  Who doesn't want to see Santa?  He no longer wants to go to school, everyday this week has been a struggle and I literally had to pull him out of the house without his jacket on Monday (put his jacket on in the car) and force him in the car.  Then when we got to school he cried and wouldn't let me leave (the teacher finally got that under control).  Every morning we fight about going to school & personally I don't need to add that to my list of stuff to get done before heading out the door.  It has been horrible.  He was never like this and he loved going to school every day up until a couple weeks ago.  I ask him whats wrong and if something is bothering him at school and he says nothing (always refers back to not feeling well).  He did mention the other day that he does not like nap time.  This coming from a kid that stopped naps when he was 2.5.  He says he hates laying there resting.  I mentioned this to his teacher and they have offered for him to bring some books to his mat, but not working well.   If and when he eats breakfast it's barely nothing and the teacher says he's not eating much at lunch time.  I seriously don't know what to do, I don't know what's wrong, don't know if he's really sick or just saying it, I don't know if something is truly bugging him at school.  He won't tell me anything & we've taking him to the doctor & they said he's fine.  UGH.... HELP I need someone to tell me what I should do, because I want to be able to help him and make whatever is hurting him go away.  I want my Joe Joe back that one that loved doing things & smiled.  Oh and he has also turned into a very bad disobedient kid.  The way he talks to me now is so hurtful.  He's never done this. 

OK, enough of that.  As for weight loss, that is not in my vocabulary currently, but weight gain most definitely is.  I keep telling myself for the last 2 weeks I was going to start back to the gym (I wanted to before the New Year so I'm not considered one of those folks that drive me crazy with the resolutions and New Year), but I've been so lazy and so tired from fighting with my kids that by the time they go to bed, I go to bed myself.  Last scale weight I was 267.7 which is 10 lbs more then last month.  I haven't gotten on the scale since that weigh in, because my clothes are already telling me that I've gained.  I don't know what the hell is going on and I'm so over it... I'm done... I just want to starve myself and become a gym rat.  I sick of being fat & I'm sick of my total lack of motivation.  I'm just sick of it all.  I missed a 40th birthday party last weekend because I felt to FAT to go out.  I have no clothing that flatters my fat ass.  I just feel nasty, disgusting & only feel comfortable in sweats.  I don't even need a belt for my fat jeans anymore.  They use to fall completely off, but now they are snug.  I'm finished completely finished.. I need help, serious help....

How fast life changes!

Well the last time I wrote in this my life changed all within those 24 hours. 

Thursday, November 20th, was a decent day, I was sick and went to see the clinic nurse here at work, which all turned out fine.  I ate with the AR department at our company thanksgiving luncheon.  Then my afternoon carried on as normal.  I got a call from my DH with Joey crying in the back ground for me because he was sick & had a fever and he just wanted his mom.  Well if that wasn't heart breaking enough.  Then I got a call right as I was about to leave saying to hurry home because Joey just puked and he's complaining his mouth, throat and body hurts and he's having a hard time breathing (but wouldn't do his inhaler). At 5:10 I got in my car to make the long trike home and it was cold and trying to snow.  I was on Rt. 303 about 5:20-5:30 and decided to give my parents a call to see if they could watch Joey tomorrow because I was keeping him home from school.  I told her that Chris was taking him to Urgicare as soon as I get home because we cannot figure out what is going on and he just finished antibiotics for a lung infection 3 days before.  So I talked to her for a few more minutes and got on the highway.  It was starting to snow and traffic was slowing down, but I finally made it home about 5:45pm (Not sure on times).  I got inside and ate dinner quickly and then went upstairs to change and in the mean time DH was leaving to take Joey to Urgicare.  That's when my life changed and everything came to a screaming HAULT!!! I got the phone call that no one wants the one that everyone dreads to ever get...  Not even 2 Min's after they left my phone rang & it was my mom.  I answered not thinking anything of it and she was crying.  This is how it went... "Your dad was just rushed to the hospital & he was unresponsive."  Then she had to go cuz my brother was calling in. WTF was that, what just happened, what do you mean?? I finally got a hold of her again & found out what happened.  He was feeding the dog and felt weak so he pulled out the stool and sat down, but he fell off & hit his head on the sliding doors.  My mom said he has fainted in the past, but she was always able to wake him up.  This time she said "Dan, wake up... if you don't wake up now I'm calling 911! well she called 911 and had to perform CPR on him because he wasn't breathing, until EMS got there."  They whisked him away and that's all I knew.  I called DH balling my eyes out that he had to get home because my dad was rushed to the hospital unresponsive & I needed to get there."  He just got to urgicare and was waiting.  In the mean time called neighbors and that trying to find someone to watch the kids.  Chris came home and I was off to Southwest.  I tried calling people & my sisters to tell them.  I was crying & the snow was coming down bad by then.  The rest of the drive was a huge blur. 

I got the ER and parked and walked in and when I told the nurses who I was there to see I could tell immediately that it wasn't good by the look on their face.  They got quiet and had me follow them.  I then got to the back and was told to go in the God for sakin "Family" room.  I knew it, I knew it after that.  I was the first one there (my brother was still on his way).  My mom was crying & shaking her head & my cousin was there supporting my mom (she is a nurse in that ER) and my Sister-in-Law's father was there supporting my mom (he gave her a ride).  At that moment I have to say time stopped, life stopped (shouldn't be typing this at work, cuz it's getting me worked up).  Nothing in the world was making sense.  This couldn't be, not my dad, no I just spoke to him.  He died from a sudden heart attack on that horrible Thursday 11/20/14 night at 6:36pm.  I just missed him, I didn't have time to say goodbye or let him know I love him.

Every day after that is still a blur.  I feel like I'm a walking zombie and I honestly cannot remember what I did from one minute to another.  It's like my body is doing all my activities but I'm not there.  I cannot even remember dropping the kids off at school or talking to them.  I guess it's what they call the state of shock, but I don't know I don't like this feeling at all.  I still don't think it's officially hit me that my dad is gone, or maybe it has & this is how I handle it.  How could this be? Shouldn't I be balling my eyes out more and just whatever???? I wish I can do anything in the world, to bring my father back, it wasn't his time.  He still has so much to live for and see and do.  He needs to see his grandchildren grow up. He needs to be there for my mom and us kids... I NEED MY DAD!!!  He deserves to live more them me..

Every day I wait for a funny text to come from him, or his wise ass comments on FB, but non, its been silent for so long.  I will no longer have anyone call me "Pig" and me call him "Hog" (inside joke).  I still have the last text he sent me and I him and many more that I will never delete as long as I can.  Things are so different since then.  Thanksgiving was a blank holiday and it was irritating sitting there with family and not feeling it.  I just wanted to scream.  I'm not looking forward to Christmas at all.  My mom is a strong woman and bless her, but she seems to be ignoring me lately.  She doesn't text me or anything and it seems my kids do nothing but irritate her these days.  I'm afraid to ask her to watch them or anything.  I know she is grieving and I respect that and this might be her way of handling it.  Heck, I haven't felt like seeing anyone lately or doing anything.  I want everything back to how it was, this just isn't right.  I want my mom back & I want my dad too.... 

On another not so exciting note.  I weighed my fat self and I'm up 10 lbs since whenever my last weigh in was on here... Oh great most people lose weight in a traumatic experience, but leave it to my stupid body to be the one that gains it.  WHATEVER... I don't care anymore.  I'm sick of it all of everything.