My computer crashed after typing up this one & I thought I lost it, but I finally see it was saved as a draft (which I looked for before). Here it is.
So has Christmas & New Years snuck up on anyone else too? I swear My father passes then a week later it's Thanksgiving and then before I know it Christmas it in 6 days! I still don't think I've had the time to grieve for my father, I haven't had what feels like the proper goodbye! With the holiday's already here there is just so much that has been taking place since that God aweful night Thursday, November 20th. I haven't truly had a chance to sit down, breathe and just let it all out. There are times when I feel I just need a good all night of crying and not necessary with anyone, but more by myself. I think I need to do this alone and then talk with someone after that's done. I feel very weird whenever I go over to my parents house, it just brings a down pour of memories. I have my moments often when I just cry when certain memories cross my mind. I cried the other morning on my way to work because one DJ was talking about how he went to a good friends funeral and (she was about the same age as my dad) and how she was so young and how he was sad for the family to be going thru this especially around the holiday's and how everything will be different (he can say that again) for the family. He talked about how great of a woman she was and she would always put others needs in front of her own, even when she was fighting cancer. It was so perfectly said and all he was saying fit my dad's description to the 'T'. My dad was awesome and he was someone that would be a father figure to our friends that didn't have a father and needed one. He would treat them like they were family. He would help out where ever he could. I can only hope that I'm like that and when I finally go my kids will say that about me. My dad was the perfect role model and a true fighter and he stood for what he believed in. I was sadden when I found out that the nasty Parkinson's took over his life and ate at his nerves and made him weak and vulnerable. It actually took my father away, it took the spark he had, but it didn't get him down and he was still a funny, happy person and STILL put everyone ahead of himself. Basically, if it wasn't for my children I probably wouldn't even celebrate Christmas this year, because the spirit just is not there. After awkward Thanksgiving felt, I'm so not ready for the next holiday. I truly wish my sisters lived closer and would make it so then things wouldn't be so bad with having all family there. I still don't understand why they would move out of State especially to Colorado. I can see my older sister doing it, but not my younger sister with how devoted she is to her family and friends, but things are the way they are and its something I have to deal with.
I am going to the gym starting Monday and I'm going to start this all over and see if maybe something will kick start again. I'm sick of looking at my nasty, disgusting overlays. I'm sick of being ugly and nasty and probably the laugh of all jokes to skinny people. "OH, look at that tub-a-lard" "Wow, she is big." I'm done, I'm disgusted with myself.
That's about it for now. I don't know what else to write. It's the weekend and tonight I get to go Christmas shopping (Yeah, what procassination). Then tomorrow I get to take all three kids to get the boys haircuts and then to Addi's Dance class. Wish me luck.
Until next time.... Merry Christmas & Happy New year.... encase life catches up to me.
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