So today isn't the best of all days, actually it was absolutely horrible. I have basically been told twice that I am not a good mother. I know I'm not perfect and I know I am not even a good parent, but I like to believe that I try. I have broken down in tears today more then I would like to count. I am emotionally drained. I've had to correct and yell and punish my kids more then I would like to count today.
Here is how it all started. It was my day to sleep in and personally I hate sleeping in because when I get up everything is worse then if I just got up with the kids. I came downstairs to the kids playing with paint and that is all fine if the paint area is set up correct so it doesn't get all over my NEW table cloth. Then I get in a yelling match of why do I buy stuff if the kids can't use them. That's not the whole point, and I'm not going to even get into that. So I ended up throwing the paints in the garbage. Another thing is when the other person get up with the kids he just lays on the couch and goes back to sleep so then the kids get into everything they shouldn't. The house gets turned upside down. The reason it bothers me is because I'm the one that has to clean it. Then I talk to someone on the phone and basically because I told them I let the kids watch Godzilla last night and they weren't scared that my kids are getting or going to be desensitized and have NO FEAR when they get older & I said well that can be a good thing but then was told yeah sure they'll have no fear against authority or guns & will join gangs. So I'm a horrible mom because of this and my kids are going to be horrible. There are a lot of other horrible things that I could do. Then later today I guess I am a bad parent because I don't recycle and so hence forth I don't care about my kids future. Yes, I say screw recycling, but doesn't mean I don't do other things that will help make the earth or world a better place for my children and their children in the future. Everyone has their own way and their own beliefs, not everyone wants to be tree hugger or such so they find their own way to help. I may have read that the wrong way, but I read it the way I did because of my hole issue I had with this damn 1st time recycling. I'm just so done, so finished.
I put a very strong front on and I act stronger then I really am. People say things that really hurt but I won't let them know until I'm on my own and cry. I am not as strong as many think and things people say really do hurt me even if they don't think I have feelings, my way of acting strong is to laugh it off or just go with it. I don't know what else to do, I don't know what I'm suppose to do. I'm waiving the white flag. I sometimes wish someone can come and tell you how to parent like they do with everything else.
So my house is another very touchy subject to me and it was brought to my attention a little bit ago (not like I didn't already know this, but I just don't want to think about it) how my house has deteriorated and because of my two dogs and kids. Yes, I am and always have been the only one that cleaned and took care of the house. Yes, my one dog has damaged to much, but if it was up to me I would have fixed the stuff right away, but I have no talent for this kind of stuff and I really suck that I depend on someone else, but it's just who I am. I really am jealous and wish so many times that I married someone that was more of a handy man and not so damn lazy, but I didn't and there is nothing I can do. I HATE the fact that nothing gets fixed around here in a timely manner as it should and so then things just start piling up and then it looks worse then what it should. Yes, I slowly am buying stuff to try to make the house look nicer and more homey but I can't spend my money on all that because again I am the only one that spends my money on stuff the kids need. So something has to slack somewhere and unfortunately it's the house (that's good parenting, right?). My house bothers me so bad it really makes me so miserable. I am a clean freak so having kids that like to take after their father in cleanliness doesn't help a person with OCD.
I have to do a lot on my own and I try to be a decent parent and one day I'd like to say I'm a good parent. I don't know what else to do. I wish people would stop criticizing me and tell me what to do or what I can do to make things better. People need to understand all I have on my shoulders and that 85% of the time I am a single parent. I am doing my best and yes I hate how much I yell at my kids and I feel so absolutely horrible and I HATE who I've become, I hate it. I want to be who I use to be, I want to show my kids I can be a good mom and I am a good person. I'd like to think the stress of having to do everything mostly is the biggest problem. Who knows.
I wish people knew how sensitive I am and that I'm not as strong as I may look to you. Please be nice to me, please guide me and help me. Please give me advice or direct me on what to do. I love my kids more then anything in the world and I want to give them whats best for them and my number one concern is for their happiness. I will do whatever I have to for them, but I just don't know what that is. I'm upset with myself because I haven't lost weight in almost 2 years and I am so disgusting OBESE. I try and I try, but I keep falling off the wagon. I am so depressed on the weight side of things.
I just want people to know I am not perfect and not we do not have a perfect or even great life, the only thing perfect in our life are my three precious miracles. Please, please be gentle and understand I'm struggling and I'm not perfect.
That's it folks, I had a lot bothering me today and needed to get it out so I knew blogging would be best. Ok, now to finish my laundry..
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